


Bring Your Own Lampshade

by Puntrest



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drug Use, F/F, Sexual Content, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 23:11:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puntrest/pseuds/Puntrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Still grieving from the loss of her first love, Emily Fields spirals out of control in search for ways to numb her pain. An old rival becomes the only person who can reason with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If Being Wrong's A Crime, I'm Serving Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my Fanfiction.net account.

I don't remember when it started, but the party was in full swing. There were people everywhere. In every corner, every room, in the pool, on the roof…how did they even get up there? It was a stray thought, one that fled my mind quickly as I continued to search for whatever I had gotten up to look for.

The place was trashed, that much was evident. Empty cans littered the floors, the stereo produced more static than music ever and beer dripped from it, mud was tracked all throughout the house on the nice white floors. Not my house, not my problem, but I felt bad for the parents that would come home to this mess in the morning.

"Emily!"

I was both relieved and disappointed to come across Hanna Marin standing in the upstairs bathroom doorway.

"Em!" She giggled, a cup in one hand and her phone in the other. "Em, come here. You have to see this shit. It's hilarious. Aria is puking her guts up, look."

Hanna pushed open the door that she had been guarding, giving me a full view of our friend Aria Montgomery tongue deep in a sophomore's mouth.

" _Hanna_!" Aria exclaimed, jumping off the sink counter to furiously shut the door in our faces.

"You could have warned me!" Hanna shouted at the door. She turned to me, rolling her eyes. "That's gross as hell."

I put on a fake smile as Hanna began rambling on about boys or something. I don't know; I wasn't paying attention. It wasn't that I didn't like Hanna. She was a wonderful person, very nice and friendly and outgoing and bubbly, and just everything that I really didn't want to be around at the moment. I made an excuse and escaped the one-sided conversation. I was done listening to other people's petty problems for one evening.

I know that sounds harsh, but eighteen years of always putting others first was finally catching up to me. As I rushed downstairs, I could I feel it. It was like a growing darkness in the pit of my stomach. It was pure anger and heartbreak. It was like I was rotting away from the inside. I felt sick and decided to find some fresh air. I needed to get away from these happy people, away from everyone's good time. I know it was selfish, but in that moment all I wanted was for everyone else to feel exactly the way I did. As I passed them, their cheerful smiles and their drunken greetings went unreturned.

With one foot already out the front door, I was stopped. This particular drunken greeting I could not ignore.

Spencer Hastings appeared in the doorway. "Em, hey, you're going to the store, right? Can you pick up some more soda? Maybe some more chips, too? I'm starving." She lowered her voice, her cheerful smile growing wider. "Toby's on his way. Do you think the master bedroom is free?"

"It might be." I lied. "You should go check on that, before it gets taken."

Her eyes lit up. "You're right. Maybe I can put a preemptive sock on the door."

I nodded. "That's a good idea."

"See you soon, don't forget the chips!" Spencer called out, shutting the door.

I sighed in relief, already feeling better as the cool night breeze hit me. Walking down the street, I realized that I was a lot drunker than I thought I had been, and that I had no idea where I was. I couldn't even remember whose house I had just been in. But I kept walking; it was only a matter of time before I found something familiar. Rosewood was only so big.

Approaching a stop sign, I paused for a moment to clear my head. The moon was full, the stars were out, not a cloud sight. I closed my eyes, wishing my thoughts could be as clear as the night sky. Abruptly, and I mean abruptly, I heard the screeching of tires and was knocked flat on my back. Gasping for the air that had been knocked out of me, I found myself unable to sit up on my own. A figure loomed over me, their silhouette hard to make out amongst the blurry stars in my vision.

"Are you okay?" The figure asked. Something was off about them. It was as if they were more annoyed than concerned.

I coughed, my head searing in pain as I did. I gritted my teeth against the pain.

" _Hello_ , Emily Fields? Earth to Emily?" The figure crouched down and I could finally see who they were.

"Paige?" I coughed. " _Why the fuck_  did you run me over?" I was more embarrassed than anything else. Of all the people in Rosewood that could have seen me struggling so hard to pull myself together, why did it have to be her?

"Uh." She paused, defensively shaking her head. "Well, maybe if you hadn't been just wandering around the sidewalk at night in dark clothing, I would have actually seen you before the turn."

"Why were you driving on a sidewalk?" I asked, refusing her offered hand. I sat up on my own, feeling nauseous as I did.

"Driving?" She looked to the bicycle beside us that still had a revolving wheel, then back to me. "Do you have like a concussion or something? Do you need to go to an Emergency Room?"

"I'm fine. Calm down, I'm fine." I swallowed hard, putting a steel trap over my emotions. There was no way in hell that I would give her the satisfaction of telling the whole swim team about how she saved my life on a street corner by carrying my poor, pathetic self to the hospital.

"You don't look fine." She argued as she stared straight into my eyes. Her gaze was so intense that it made me nervous, a reaction that I couldn't quite understand. I brushed off the feeling as just a product of the minor head trauma I had acquired. Paige narrowed her gaze and sniffed the breeze. "Are you drunk?"

Ignoring her question, I tried to stand up. Failing miserably, I fell back on to my butt again, a searing, throbbing pain igniting in my tail bone.

" _Shit_." I gasped, fighting back tears from the literal pain in my ass while being watched closely by the metaphorical pain in my ass.

Paige's expression was hard to read, so I chose to just not look at her anymore.

"Emily." She said my name softly, using a tone that I had never heard from her before. "Let me help you."

I laughed dryly at the thought of her helping anyone other than herself. "I don't need your help."

"Fine, then who should I call for you?"

"Just go." I muttered, searching my pockets for my phone. "I don't need you to babysit me."

Paige sighed angrily. "You're obviously hurt. I'm not going to leave you alone at night on the street when you can't even stand up on your own."

Disregarding what appeared to be actual concern coming from the worst person I had ever met, I managed to pull my phone out of my back pocket. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck,  _fuck_." I threw the cracked phone as far as I could, not feeling any better as it skid across the sidewalk and into the bushes.

Paige's mouth fell open in surprise. "You do know that screens can be fixed, right?"

" _Fuck off_ , Paige." I muttered, dropping my head into my hands. I wanted nothing more than to be home in my bed. I'd even take being back at the party over this humiliation.

"You know, I think this is the most I've ever heard you drop the F-bomb." Paige grinned. "This is even worse than when I beat your fastest time for the—"

Without warning, to myself or to Paige, I started bawling. Straight up heaving, snotty, over-the-top crying on the street corner. And I couldn't stop. I tried everything. Gritting my teeth, balling up my fists, thinking about how stupid I must have looked…nothing stopped the stream of tears cascading down my face, smearing my makeup and dampening my sleeves.

"Oh my god." Was all Paige said. I don't know which of us was more caught off guard, or which of us was more uncomfortable.

I was so caught up in trying to stop myself from crying that I didn't notice at first when her hand touched my shoulder. I only realized it was there when she pulled me into a strong embrace. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing into her arm. I couldn't stop her from cradling my shaking body. I couldn't stop the vomit that spewed from me, luckily missing Paige but unluckily covering myself. I couldn't stop her from taking off her jacket and wrapping it around my waist to hide my lap full of puked up garbage. I couldn't stop her from retrieving my cracked cell phone and using it to make a call. I couldn't stop her from holding me until a car pulled up on the curb. I couldn't stop her and my friends from lifting me off the ground and laying me down across the backseat. I couldn't stop Aria from slamming the car door. The last thing I could remember was seeing Paige's face grow smaller as we drove off. I don't think that any of my friends thanked her.

I woke up unsure of where I was. My head hurt, my back hurt, my ass hurt, my throat hurt, and my mouth tasted like puke and death. I had had worse mornings.

"Good, you're finally awake." Spencer placed a wet washcloth over my forehead. I winced at how cold it felt against my boiling skin. "We were worried you might have had a concussion after all."

"You thought I had a concussion, and you let me sleep?" I asked as she handed me a cup of water.

From across the room, Hanna groaned. "You don't remember us waking you up every half hour for like  _five_  hours straight? That was exhausting."

"What time is it?" I asked. It was hard to keep my eyes open.

"It's around noon." Spencer answered. "Don't worry, we texted your mom back saying you'll be home for dinner."

"Yeah, this thing is totally screwed up though." Hanna held up the cracked phone. "You might need a whole new one."

"Em, do you remember what happened last night?" Spencer asked clinically. I never used to mind when Spencer put on a mature voice, it used to mean that she was going to fix whatever trouble we had gotten ourselves into, but lately it had really started to bother me.

I shrugged, trying my best to recall the evening. "We went to a party—"

"Where?" Spencer cut in.

"I…" I blanked. "I don't know."

Hanna scoffed. "So not a fair question to ask, Spence.  _I_  don't even remember whose party that was."

"Okay, fine." Spencer waved away Hanna's comment. "What else do you remember?"

"First we got ready at Aria's. Where is she?"

"Her mom wanted her home early." Hanna answered. "You asked that same question like five hours ago. Are you gonna be like Dory in  _Finding Nemo_  now? Forever asking where your little fish Aria is?"

" _Hanna_." Spencer warned, then turned back to me. "Aria's at home. What else?"

"We went to the party. Uh, we did shots. That soccer player guy went skinny dipping and everyone took pictures. Hanna played beer pong."

"That game was rigged." Hanna muttered, staring at her phone.

"Um, Aria made out with some guy in the bathroom."

"She was way out of that kid's league." Hanna added.

I felt Spencer's eyes staring at me. "I left after that."

"I saw you leave." She commented, looking somewhat guilty. "I thought you had sobered up. I assumed you were the one going to get more sodas, but even then I shouldn't have let you go alone. I'm really sorry, Em. I feel terrible, and I will never make the same mistake again. I should have known better."

"It's not your fault." I replied, confused as to how Spencer had managed to make the situation all about her. She had a knack for doing things like that, so it wasn't surprising. "I was heading home."

"That's across town!" Hanna exclaimed.

"I run all over Rosewood." I defended, pushing myself up to a sitting position and removing the wash cloth. I realized that my vomit-covered jeans had been replaced with clean sweat pants. "I would have found my way home eventually."

"That's really dangerous." Hanna threw her hands up. "Do you know how many creeps live in this town?"

Spencer gave Hanna a stern look, effectively shutting her up. Then she turned back to me. "Do you remember what happened after you left the party?"

The memory of what happened hit me hard, much like the actual bike had. "Paige McCullers ran into me with her bike."

"Speaking of creeps living in this town." Hanna chuckled to herself.

"She probably used you as target practice." Spencer added, cracking a smile.

I didn't share their amusement. "It was an accident. It was dark, she didn't see me."

Spencer, feeling sympathetic to my embarrassment, changed the subject. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to remember every detail of the previous night's debacle. Why had Paige been so nice? She'd never done anything nice for me before in her whole life. In all the years that we had rivaled, in the pool and out of it, Paige had never once said a single nice thing to me.

I made it home for dinner, just as my friends had promised my mother that I would. My mom didn't notice that I looked as gross as I felt. She was too busy talking about the wedding dress she had seen on television early. She told me all about how she couldn't wait to see me on my wedding day, with the white gown, family gathered, and the handsome man that would be standing at the altar. I went upstairs after dinner and threw up every last bite.

The next morning at school, I avoided everyone. My best friends, my not so close friends, any acquaintance that would try to say hello, I avoided them all. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to know what kind of rumors Paige had started spreading, and I definitely didn't want anyone to greet me with a hug. My back was still sore from Saturday night. I made it until lunchtime before I had to speak to anyone. I avoided the cafeteria, not feeling hungry in the least, and I went to the locker rooms by the school's pool instead. They were always empty during the day. Sometimes when I needed a quiet place to be alone for a few minutes, I would go there.

Today, of course, was different. Though I had never gone to this girl's locker room during lunch, I had assumed it would have been just as empty as all other hours. I had been sitting on the bench under my locker for no more than a minute before the door flew open. And, of course, it was the last person that I wanted to see.

Paige jumped, shocked to see me. "What are you doing in here?"

"I could ask the same to you." I replied, a ghostly ache coming from the spot on the back of my head where a bump had previously been.

Paige put on an overly confident grin. "I know for a fact that you never come in here during lunch, so why not just say what you're up to."

It was hard to look at her as memories of her cradling my sobbing body flashed before my eyes. "How could you possibly know that I never come in here during lunch?"

Paige's grin fell, something new taking the place of her feigned confidence. "Because this is where I eat lunch."

At first I thought that it must have been a joke, but the look in her eyes said otherwise. I was left speechless, left staring stupidly across the room at her. She shut the locker room door, slowly walking over. She sat on the other end of the bench, literally as far away as she could, and looked at me.

"It's not a big deal." She tried to play it off. "I like the quiet. I get more done in here."

It hit me then. I had never seen Paige with friends. I couldn't even think of who her friends could be. And that was because she had none.

"That's why I'm here." I said. "The quiet."

There was an ironically awkward silence that fell between us, neither knowing what to say. The only words we had ever exchanged before last night had been less than polite.

"How's your head?" Paige asked quickly, as if she had been arguing with herself on whether to ask or not.

"Oh, um….it's fine." My hand combed through my hair on its own, passing over the spot where the back of my head had made impact with the ground. "Thanks for asking. And…thanks for helping me last night…I wasn't…I mean, I didn't mean to…I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She shook her head, hopefully feeling just as weird about everything as I was. "Don't even worry about it. I'm…I'm sorry for knocking you over. I mean, I didn't see you so it wasn't like I meant to hit you or anything…but, yeah. Sorry."

"It was an accident." I shrugged. "A really weird, embarrassing accident."

Paige cracked a smile and I braced myself for whatever sly comment that she was about to throw at me. "You make it sound like you peed all over yourself."

Despite myself, I smiled. "Might as well have."

"How's your phone?" She asked.

I took it out of my bag and showed her the cracked screen. "It's not working right, but it'll have to do. Thanks for getting it out of the bushes last night."

"Oh, uh, yeah. No problem."

It was all so strange. Paige being nice, the two of us sitting in the locker room having a semi-normal conversation, and the quiet that we both had sought out now causing more uneasiness than peace. Before another awkward silence could fall, I decided to just go for it. "Can I ask you a question?"

She visibly grew nervous. "I guess."

"Why aren't we friends?"

She was stumped. Words failed her for several moments until she could gather up enough thoughts to speak. "Why would we be?"

If it hadn't been for the shakiness of her voice and the vulnerability in her eyes, I would have thought she had meant that harshly. I could have handled that, I was used to that kind of thing from her. But hearing the sincerity of her question struck something deep inside of me, and I didn't know what to feel anymore.

I took a deep breath. "The first thing you ever said to me was 'keep your eyes to yourself, lesbo'. That was years before I came out. And now, now that I've actually come out, you go out of your way to stay as physically far away from me as you possibly can. I notice, Paige. I've always noticed. You're disgusted by me, I know that. I just…I don't understand how the most homophobic and mean person I've ever met, could do what you did for me last night. You're clearly not the monster you pretend to be. So, what's with all the pretending?"

She looked like she might cry. A part of me wanted her to, so that things would be even between us. But mostly I just felt the need to comfort her. Before I could say anything more, she stood and walked to the locker room door. Opening it, she turned back to face me. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "You don't disgust me."

The door shut behind her, leaving me alone in the locker room with the quiet that I had once desired but no longer felt comfortable in.


	2. Losing Proposition

I woke up surrounded by people. My neck hurt from the way it had been resting against the couch. I noticed that the party had significantly died down while I had been out. Few people remained awake, most of them watching a rerun of  _The Simpsons._  I couldn't spot my friends among the sleeping, so I went looking for them.

Aria was gone, nowhere to be found. She did that, though. The whole disappearing thing. Spencer and Hanna were cuddled up next to each other on the kitchen floor, giggling drunkenly at a video on one of their phones. They didn't notice me, so I pretended not to notice them.

Walking outside, déjà vu struck me light lightning. My hair stood up, my pulse raced, and I found myself standing on the street corner that I had once made a fool of myself on. It was as if nothing had happened there. No tire marks, no leftover vomit, nothing. I mean, the incident had happened weeks ago, but I still was disappointed that such strange event had left behind no traces. It was almost as if it hadn't actually happened at all.

I felt dizzy so I sat on the curb, pulling my knees in close to me as the cold wind picked up. I don't know why I sat there for so long. Maybe a part of me wished I would be run into again, or maybe I just couldn't make it back into the house because of how blurry everything was. And then the weirdest thing happened. For the first time in a long time, I laughed.

There I was, sitting on the corner that I had previously puked and cried on…laughing. It seemed so hilarious to me, in that moment. I thought about how silly the whole thing had been, and how awkward it had made my rivalry with Paige McCullers. I hadn't spoken to Paige since that day in the locker room. I would have thought she was avoiding me, but really we never said much to each other before the accident anyway so it was difficult to know for sure. She would politely say hi as we crossed paths, if no one was around to hear, but mostly she ignored my existence. I figured a silent Paige was better than an aggressive Paige, so I didn't dwell on the subject for long.

I don't know when, but I found my way back inside the party and sitting next to my friends on the kitchen floor. I didn't laugh at the internet cat videos, but that was okay. I felt good enough to pretend to laugh, which made them feel better and in turn made me feel better.

"You know, Em…" Hanna cleared her throat. "…I think this is the most I've seen you laugh since before everything happened with Ali."

Everything seemed to stop. Spencer's laughter, the cute meowing, the television in the next room, it was like the peaceful atmosphere that we had been enjoying was gone with the simple utterance of a name. Hanna looked at me with innocent curiosity, something I used to love about her because it was something that we used to share.

" _Hanna_." Spencer sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"What?" Hanna shrugged. "It's been almost a year, are we still not allowed to talk about her? If we wait any longer, she'll turn into one of those Bloody Mary ghost stories and she'll start haunting us."

She already was haunting us.

"Let's just not talk about her." Spencer started a new video. "Wait, have we seen this one before?"

They began discussing cat videos, but I couldn't join in on the fun. Not when memories of Alison poured down on me. I needed to leave. I needed to get away from everything and everyone. I needed silence to deal with Ali.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I lied, heading straight for the front door. Neither of them noticed, just like I knew they wouldn't.

I hate to make them sound like bad friends, because they're not. They're actually amazing friends. I love them like family. But they don't understand. When Alison went missing, they shared my fears and worries. When Ali's body was found a year later, they shared my grief. But now, nearly a year after burying her in the ground, they no longer felt my pain.

I had told them the truth about my feelings for Ali back when I came out to them. They sympathized and tried their best to help me, but the more effort they gave, the less I wanted to be around them. I couldn't handle the stares of pity or the whispers of worry. I went on a drinking binge shortly after Ali's funeral. It nearly ruined my grades, but I think the teachers felt sorry enough for my loss to push me along to senior year. My friends helped me put down the bottle, but they failed at keeping it out of my reach. I learned how to hide how wasted I was, I learned how to fake being happy, and I learned how to feign normalcy. It was the only way to keep sane. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

And now, here I am, practically an entire year after the funeral, walking home in the middle of the night, unable to recall what I had taken at the party, and filled with terrible heartache. I went straight to bed once I got home, falling asleep with my clothes on and my throat dry. My mind wandered as consciousness faded, my last thoughts being of the look on Paige's face in the locker room when she told me that I didn't disgust her.

The following Monday at school, I thought about going to the locker room during lunch. A part of me sought out the quiet, but mostly I just had the urge to talk more with Paige. I don't know why I was becoming so interested in talking with her, but it felt like the right thing to do. It was still the morning, however, when opportunity came knocking at my door.

"Hey." Paige greeted, startling me as I shut my locker. The hallway was nearly empty, just a few people still walking to class. I knew I needed to get to calculus, but I decided that I was already running late as it was, so it wouldn't hurt to stop and smell the chlorine scented roses.

"Hi." I said over the shrill sound of the bell.

Paige shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other, her eyes darting around the empty hallway. "Um, so, did you ever get your phone fixed?"

Flashing the cracked screen at her, I shook my head. "Afraid not. It doesn't even let me make calls anymore."

Something lit up in her eyes as she pulled her backpack around. Digging through it, she removed a small wrapped box. "For you."

I was stunned, to say the least. I unwrapped the gift, already having a pretty good guess as to what I would find, but I was shocked nonetheless. "A new phone? Paige, you shouldn't have. These things are really expensive."

She shrugged. "I felt bad about running into you the other night. It's nothing, really. I got a good deal on it."

I hugged her. It surprised us both, I think, but I did it out of instinct. She didn't hug me back, exactly, but she didn't protest to the contact either.

"Really, thank you." I smiled, oddly enjoying seeing her blush.

"It's nothing." She waved off the comment, pausing as she turned to leave. "I, um…I added my number in there…just in case."

I didn't want her to go. I was having way too much fun seeing her act fidgety and nervous as opposed to her usual cocky arrogance. It was cute. "In case of what?"

She didn't look me in the eyes as she shrugged again. "If you ever need anything, I guess. I have to get to class. See you at swim practice."

Paige scurried away with such haste that I couldn't help but stand there and watch. I had never really noticed before, but she was actually very beautiful. Broad shoulders, strong arms, long legs, kind eyes…I snapped out of my semi-daydream as the tardy bell rang. I was in for an earful from my calculus teacher, but it had been well worth it.

When I told my friends about Paige's gift at lunch, none of them seemed as amazed as I had been.

"Good." Spencer replied, crunching down carrots like a famished horse. "She owes you at least that much."

"That girl creeps me out." Hanna admitted between bites of her pudding cup.

Joining them at the table, Aria laughed. "Who are we gossiping about?"

"Paige McCullers gave Em a new phone because she wrecked the old one." Hanna explained, pulling the pudding cup off of Aria's tray and going to work on it. "There's just something off about her, you know? She runs around like she's this big scary bully, but I bet there's just an insecure little girl screaming away inside."

" _Hanna_." Spencer barked, stopping to think it through. "Actually, that's probably the smartest thing that you've said all day."

"Thank you." Hanna beamed at the backhanded compliment.

Spencer looked at me. "Maybe this is a peace-offering. I mean, that whole pool rivalry thing can't last forever."

I nodded, not minding that they switched topics. I would be left alone to think to myself for a few moments before one of them realized I wasn't contributing to the immensely important conversation on our English teacher Mr. Fitz.

On the one hand, I agreed with Spencer. The phone was probably a peace-offering from Paige, but I didn't think that it had anything to do with swimming. She was reaching out to me, in her own way, yes, but maybe what she wanted was a friend.

"Em, you okay?" One of them asked.

I was ready for this question, as I had heard it so many times before.

"Yeah, just stressing over that calculus test." Lying off the top of my head had become second nature at this point.

After swim practice that afternoon, I changed as fast as I could in locker room so that I could have a chance to speak to Paige outside. She was always the first to get in and out, but today I beat her to it. Standing in the cold parking lot, I waved at her when she emerged. I smiled as friendly as I could muster. "Hey, do you want to hang out? Maybe grab some coffee or something?"

I couldn't read the look on her face, but I could tell that it wasn't going to be a good answer. "Oh, um, thank you…but no. I mean, I would…I just…I have homework and chores…and my parents don't really like me going out unless I clear it with them first."

"Oh, they sound strict." I was disappointed, but not any less interested.

"Yeah, I guess." She shrugged. "I don't know. I'm used to it."

I smirked. "Strict, yet they let you out at night to run over innocent pedestrians with your bike?"

Paige smiled mischievously. "They don't really know about that. Sometimes I just need a late night bike ride, you know? So I sneak out."

"Oh, well, maybe sometime we'll run into each other again?" I hadn't meant for it to sound as flirtatious as it had, but Paige didn't seem to mind.

"Maybe." She answered as more of our teammates started piling out of the building. "See you around." Hopping up on her bike, she was gone. I smiled as I watched her peddle away.

Suddenly, very suddenly, I was sitting in a bathroom I didn't recognize with people I didn't know and snorting a line of something I couldn't identify. I don't know what happened. I couldn't remember. One second I was standing outside of Rosewood High, the next I'm in a grungy bathroom that looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. Even worse, it smelled like a dead animal was being kept in the tub. Without a word, I left. None of strangers seemed to care about my abrupt exit. I found myself standing in a dark windowless bedroom. The only source of light came from a naked blue bulb in the corner, next to a couple of figures doing something that was undoubtedly sexual. I felt sick.

Somehow I made my way up a staircase and eventually out of the basement and finally out of the house. Pulling out my phone, I called the only contact listed. No one answered, so I tried again. And again. And again. I gave up, punching in one of the few numbers I knew by heart.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered.

"Hanna." My voice cracked. I realized how dry my mouth was and how cold I was and how scared I was because not only did I have no idea where I was, but I couldn't remember getting there.

"It's four in the morning." Hanna mumbled.

I looked all around, desperately trying to figure out where I was. Bumping into something familiar, I nearly slapped myself. "Sorry, Hanna. I butt-dialed you. Go back to sleep, see you tomorrow."

I hung up before she could reply, and I climbed into the safety of my car. I nearly pissed myself when my phone started ringing. It was Paige.

"Hello?"

"Are you okay?" Paige's voice was low and quick. "Why did you call me four times?"

"I'm fine." I lied. It was becoming harder to breathe. "I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine. Where are you?"

"I…" Feeling dizzy, I chuckled dryly. "…I have no idea."

I could hear the frustration in her voice. "Look at the map on your phone, it will tell you."

I did as she directed, finding the right app and the blue dot that was me and relaying the street address and closing my eyes because they felt so heavy and leaning back against the seat because it was getting difficult to sit up right. I was awakened by a loud knocking on the window.

" _Shit_." I whispered to myself as I recognized who had disturbed my nap.

Paige McCullers stared at me, looking equal parts pissed off and worried. I opened the car door, realizing that it had been unlocked the entire time I'd been in there. Grabbing my arm, she pulled me from the car and helped me around to the passenger side. She buckled me in, checked the time on her watch, and ran back around to the driver's side. There were several quiet minutes of driving before I found the courage to say anything.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

She stared straight ahead as she drove. "Home."

"You can't take me home." My voice was hoarse. "My mom thinks I'm at Hanna's. Or Aria's…maybe Spencer's. It doesn't matter. Just take me to one of those."

"Nope." She shook her head. "You're going home."

"Paige." I pushed myself up to a proper seating position. "Paige, you can't take me home. My mother will flip out if she sees me like this."

She glanced at me. "Maybe she  _should_  see you like this then."

"No!" I shouted, falling into a coughing fit as the contents of my stomach threatened to rise. I pushed it down, determined not to have a repeat of the last vomit fiasco.

"You need help, Emily." Paige replied.

The tears filled my eyes, my throat burned like I had swallowed hot coals. "Taking me home will do more harm than good."

Glancing worriedly between the road and me, Paige made a spontaneous turn.

"Where are we going?" I asked again.

She sighed. "Somewhere else."

I was about to ask where that was, but it didn't matter. As long as I wasn't going my house, things would be fine. "Thanks you."

"Yeah." She muttered. "No problem."

"Sorry about waking you up so early on a Saturday."

She stared straight ahead. "Today is Tuesday."

"Oh. My bad."

"What did you take?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "Like…I  _don't_ know. I…I can't even remember getting there."

"Whose house was that?"

"I don't know."

Growing frustrated, she sped up the car. "Well, what  _do_  you know?"

I tried to think of something snarky or clever, but I was so tired that honesty was the only thing coming to mind. "I know that I'm really glad to see you."

She looked at me funny and then remained silent for the rest of the drive. We ended up at a cabin by the lake, not too far from where Spencer's family cabin was.

"This is my dad's favorite fishing place." Paige explained. "He only uses it during the summer."

"It's quaint." I commented, walking across the threshold. The place was small, one bedroom, one bathroom, but, despite the stale odor and the creaky floorboards, it was nice.

"Here." She handed me a cup of water and gestured to the couch. "Have a seat."

I sat, staring through the window as the moonlight danced across the lake. "Thanks."

"No problem." She sat on the other end of the couch.

"You see." I grinned. "You always sit as far away from me as you can."

"Never noticed."

I sipped on the water. "Why did you bring me here?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

"You seemed pretty determined to take me home."

"You said your mom would flip out? I can take you there if you want—"

"No! No, I was just…nevermind. Paige, if I ask you some serious questions…will you answer them?"

"I don't know." She fidgeted nervously with her fingers. "Maybe."

"What if we take turns?" I suggested, trying not to let it show how blurry my thoughts were. "I ask, then you ask. Back and forth. If you don't want to answer…just pass."

"Okay."

I looked at her directly. "Why are you being so nice to me? Why now?"

She cleared her throat, staring at her hands as she spoke. "I…I realized that you weren't the person I thought you were…and I realized…that  _I'm_  not the person I thought I was."

Maybe it was how high I was, or maybe it's because of the sincerity in her trembling voice, but her words had a profound impact on me.

She shifted in her seat, turning more toward me. "Why did you call me? Out of everyone that you could have called, why pick me?"

"You were the only contact in the phone. I tried calling Hanna, but then I found my car and hung up on her. I think…I don't know, it's all so fuzzy. That was forever ago."

Paige's voice was quiet. "It's been thirty minutes since you called me."

"Really? Huh." I tried to sound surprised, or at least like this hadn't happened to me before. "Anyway, my turn. What kind of person did you used to think I was?"

She looked down at her hands, glancing up at me unsure. "Like Alison."

Despite everything, I laughed.

Paige only looked more concerned. "She's the reason why you do it, isn't she?"

"Do what?" I asked, trying to control the fit of giggles that had captured me.

"Live…dangerously. The parties, the drinking…it's all because of her, isn't it?"

"That's a pretty big assumption."

"I'm sorry, I just…it was a dumb question."

"No, that's the point of the game." I took a deep, calming breath. "I had a very complicated relationship with Ali." I paused and shook my head. "Actually, no. It's not complicated at all. It was just entirely one-sided. It took a long time for me to realize that she never felt about me the way that I felt about her."

"Did you love her?" She asked cautiously, as if she were walking on eggshells around the topic. Or rather, around me.

"I did." I answered. Usually I wouldn't talk about Ali, but the room was warm and hazy and I felt like I was floating. Honestly, I felt safe enough under Paige's watchful gaze to divulge. "I loved Ali as more than a friend. She knew that. I kissed her once. Sophomore year, in the library, just a few weeks before she went missing. She got mad and told me off. Turned out she didn't actually feel the same way, she had just been enjoying the attention too much to let me know."

"She led you on…on purpose." Paige wasn't surprised. "Sounds like something Alison would do."

"I didn't know that you knew her." I sighed. "But then again, who didn't she know."

"I didn't know her well." She replied. "Just enough to know how horrible she was."

"She wasn't." We were both caught off guard at the defensive hostility in my tone. I forced myself to relax before I continued. "Ali wasn't horrible. She was a good person. Sure, she did questionable things. And, yes, she could be a huge bitch sometimes…but she had a good heart."

"I'm sorry, Emily, I know you were really close to her, but Alison DiLaurentis was one of the worst people I have ever met." Paige shifted again, leaning closer and looking me directly in the eyes. "Maybe you were just crushing too hard on her to see her for what she truly was."

That did it. I was up and I was moving before my brain could catch up. Anger fueled me into motion as I stared down at Paige's fearful expression. My voice was low and calm. "You didn't know her. You have no right to talk about her like that."

Paige clenched her jaw and stood so that we were even again. "Alison DiLaurentis was a cold-hearted monster who only cared about herself. She may have been nice to you, but she was hateful and cruel to everyone else. Don't stand there and tell me that you never saw her do something that you knew was wrong."

"She had a twisted sense of humor."

"She was a bully!"

"She was a good person; you just had to get to know her!"

The look of pity that crossed Paige's face was familiar. It was the same look I had seen in the expressions of my friends when they had learned the truth of my feelings for Ali.

"Did she brainwash you or something?" Paige whispered the words, taking a step back. Maybe she was afraid I would attack her. "You know, just because someone is your friend or your crush or you love them…it doesn't mean that they're a good person."

I stared at her for a long time before I said anything. "Why do you hate her so much?"

A peculiar look struck her eyes. "You don't know?"

I didn't want to ask, but I knew that I had to. "What did Ali do to you?"

"You mean besides singlehandedly ridicule me so badly that I almost switched schools freshman year?" She fought back tears. "Alison  _hated_  me. I never knew why, but she made it her personal mission to make sure that I knew at least that much. She harassed me, called me names, she spread rumors about me. She thought it was  _fun_  to torture me. You were in her clique, so I always assumed that you were the same way."

"And so the bullied became the bully?" I muttered, taking my seat again.

"The only way to get people to respect you is to have them fear you." She took her seat. "I learned that from Alison."

"And you're telling me that everything she did was completely unprovoked?"

"Yes."

"That doesn't make any sense." I shook my head. "Ali only hated people who threatened her. Like if someone was better than her at something."

She thought it over for a few moments. "Well, I don't know what that would have been. Like I said, I didn't know her that well. But…if that's the case, why didn't she hate Spencer Hastings? She was always smarter than Alison was."

With my mouth already open in preparation of a lame response, a thought hit me with such force that I was left dumbfounded.

"What?" Paige asked curiously.

"I just realized something that I can't believe I never noticed before."

"Like what?"

"Ali always said to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I remember Spencer mentioning once that she didn't even like Ali when they first met, but Ali was so persistent about them being friends that eventually it just happened. They never really got along; they just sort of tolerated each other all the time. But they were still friends, you know? Spencer always thought that out of all of us, she was Ali's least favorite. They were always bickering and trying to one-up each other, but at the end of the day it was all okay because they were friends. What if Ali forced their friendship so that she wouldn't have to deal with Spencer as an enemy?"

"She collected her." Paige replied slowly. "She collected all of you."

"She didn't  _collect_  us." I scoffed.

"Can't you see it?" She questioned. "Spencer Hastings is going to be valedictorian, Aria Montgomery has had the Most Fashionable senior superlative on lock since the first day she walked into Rosewood High School, everyone in town loves Hanna Marin, and you were always the only one who could beat Alison in the pool. She handpicked her circle of friends. She made sure that all of them had something she didn't. You know, I used to wonder why everyone talked about Alison's little group of friends so much…but she  _made sure_  that people would talk."

I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, but I couldn't. It made perfect sense. "How do you know so much about me and my friends?"

"Everyone knows about you guys." She answered bluntly. "Like I said, you were the… _elites_ , you know? It was like Alison took the highest ranking girls in all of the major social categories and made her own little superhero clique."

"Social categories?"

She shrugged. "Maybe it's a little too 90s, but that's the only way I can explain it. Look, um…Alison took Spencer from those preppy country club honors kids, right? And she took Aria from the alternative crowd; you know, the hipsters and the punk kids. She took Hanna from the outcasts. And she took you from the jocks."

"Why would you put Hanna in the outcast group?" I wondered aloud, stifling a yawn.

"Because I remember her being one of us." She answered softly.

I looked to her. "You think you're an outcast?"

Ignoring my question, she pressed on. "I remember a time when Hanna Marin was nice to everyone, even me. That was back before the weight loss and before Alison. Even though Hanna didn't fit in anywhere, everyone knew her. She was the nicest kid in our grade. She even stuck up for me one time. I remember how it was all over school that Hanna was starting to hang out with you guys, and Alison had just started picking on me around that time. I thought it was really brave, how Hanna told Alison that she shouldn't be so mean to me. I guess she just knew what it was like to be picked on, you know? But that was the only time she ever spoke up. And now…she looks at me how people used to look at her…I guess she's forgotten how it feels."

"I'll talk to her."

"No, don't worry about it." Paige blushed. "I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this awkward. I'm just sitting over here saying all these bad things about your friends."

"No, Paige, I'll talk her. I'll talk to all of them." I promised. "I'll let them know what Ali did."

She paused, unsure of whether she should say anything more. I played with my hair, feeling exhausted and cranky. I didn't want to talk about Ali anymore. I didn't want to bring up anything else from the past. Ali was in the grave, and it was damn sure time I stopped trying to dig her up.

I stood and went out the backdoor. Paige silently followed, like a protective shadow in the dark. We walked down to the lake and out over the small dock. The sun had just started rising, giving the horizon a pinkish glow. I always hated how for the sun to rise, the stars had to fade.

My clothes were flying off before Paige even realized what I was doing.

"Oh my god!" She exclaimed, turning bright red and covering her eyes when she noticed me pulling down my pants. "What are you doing?"

"Going for a swim." I answered as if it should be obvious. Left in just my bra and underwear, already shivering from the cold, I jumped in. When I surfaced, Paige was staring at me like I had grown a third eye. "You coming?"

She laughed, looking all around the lake, then to my clothes, then to me, then she blushed again. "It's freezing!"

"Yep." I laughed. "But that's half the point."

"What's the other half?" She asked.

"Come find out!" I called over my shoulder as I started making my way out to deeper water. I gave her some privacy, not looking back until I heard the familiar splash.

"This…is…a…horrible…idea." She muttered through chattering teeth once she reached me.

"I didn't think you'd do it." I admitted.

"Guess I'm just full of surprises." She grimaced as a gust of wind blew wet strands of her hair around.

I smirked. "Paige McCullers, Rosewood's resident homophobe, swimming in her underwear with a lesbian? No one will ever believe me."

She laughed. "We'll be too busy getting hypothermia for you to tell anyone."

At first I had enjoyed the harsh cold, but she was right. I splashed her, catching her off guard. "Race you back!"

When I reached the dock first, I climbed up without a worry. Paige, on the other hand, hesitated in the water. I could tell that her eyes were on me, but I didn't know for sure why. I decided it was better not to know, so I gathered my clothes and headed back up to the cabin without looking back.

Thankfully, I had a spare change of clothes in my car. I was bundled up under a blanket on the couch, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a baggy Rosewood High Sharks t-shirt. The clothes I had arrived in were hanging up to dry. Paige's dad happened to have spare clothes at the cabin that she put on. I had to admit, she looked really good in that oversized flannel and those stained cargo shorts.

"Do your parents know where you are?" She asked, passing me a mug of freshly made coffee.

"Nope." I answered. Immediately pulling out my phone, I noticed something strange given the circumstances. "I don't even have any missed calls. That's weird. My mom is usually all up in my business."

"What about your dad?" She questioned.

"He's in Afghanistan." I opened my recent messages. "And apparently I texted my mom sometime last night and told her I was staying over at Hanna's to finish up a project."

"Is she the paranoid type of parent? Like, does she call up your friend's parents and check or drive by their house to see if your car is there?"

"Nope. All our moms know each other, and they don't even think twice about us staying at each other's places anymore because it happens so often."

"Do your parents know that you're…?"

I looked up at her. "That I'm what?"

She turned red. "You know."

I waited.

She caved. "That you like girls?"

I decided not to tease her about her obvious discomfort. The revelation of Ali's bullying was still fresh in my mind. "My mom doesn't know. I told my dad sophomore year when I came out to my friends."

"Why haven't you told your mom?"

"I haven't found that right time yet. I'm not sure how she'll react."

"Do you think she has any idea?"

"Probably. In the beginning, I was really careful about covering everything up. But now I just don't care. It's almost like I'm waiting for her to just find out so that I don't have to actually say it. It'll probably be easier that way."

"You don't think that she'd rather hear it from you?"

I smiled. "Are you planning on being a shrink someday or what?"

"No." She smiled. "Just curious, I guess."

"I don't know." I sipped on the coffee. "Maybe I'll go home and tell her today, who knows."

"Do you get along with your parents?"

"With my dad for sure. My mom is a little more difficult, but I know she means well. What about you?"

Paige shifted uncomfortably. She hadn't been expecting me to ask questions of my own. "I'm not sure. I mean, I love them because they're my parents and they've given me so much…but it's like, if I wasn't related to them…I don't think I'd like them. They're shitty people sometimes. They fight a lot. They try to control every aspect of my life."

"I'm sorry you have to deal with all that."

"No, I mean, there are kids who have it way worse."

"Just because someone has it  _worse_ , it doesn't mean you don't have something  _bad_."

She stared at me like I had dropped a philosophical bomb on her.

I laughed. "I saw that on a bumper sticker the other day."

She cracked a smile. "Aren't those supposed to be funny or uplifting?"

"Hey, the truth hurts. If you can't handle it, get off the highway." I took another sip of coffee. "This tastes disgusting, by the way."

"Yeah." She took a sip, grimacing. "Probably why it got left here."

I checked the time on my phone. "I don't feel like going to school."

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "So don't."

I raised an inquisitive brow. "And do what instead?"

"Let's play hooky." She suggested with a beaming smile. "I've never done that before."

"Never?" I was genuinely appalled. "Not once? Ever?"

She shook her head. "The only way I was allowed to stay home was if a doctor said so."

"Wow. That's crazy. Well, we're definitely not going to school now." I looked out the window at the early morning light. "It's really beautiful here."

"I've never come here without my dad before." She admitted.

"Will they get pissed at you for skipping?" I asked, turning back to her.

She threw her feet up on the coffee table. "Definitely, but it's senior year, you know? I'm entitled to a little fun. All I've ever done is do what they wanted me to do."

"What's something you do for you?"

"I swim." She smiled softly at the thought. "But they even take the fun out of that. If I'm not winning…they don't care. My family doesn't do second place. My dad says that's the family motto."

I thought back to our swimming rivalry. All the years of Paige being relentlessly competitive, the hostility and unfriendliness that she had exuded, it all made sense now. She was trying to protect herself from people like Alison. She became the bully so that she would no longer be the bullied. Hanna was right. There was just a scared little girl screaming away from within, wanting nothing but peace of mind and to make her parents proud.

"That's rough." I said.

"Yeah." She said.

I looked back at the sunrise again and yawned. "I need a nap."

She was about to move so that I could have the couch, but I stopped her by tossing the blanket and my legs over her lap. Staring at me incredulously, she asked if I was being serious. But it was too late. I was already drifting off to sleep.


	3. If Being Afraid Is A Crime, We Hang Side By Side

I woke up slowly. It was that kind of drowsy semi-consciousness where your dreams and reality meet for a few moments before eyes are able to open. Paige was sitting at the end of the couch, my legs still in her lap under the blanket, unaware that I had awakened. The light streaming in from the lakefront window gave her a golden glow. A book was in her hands, a lock of her hair twirling absentmindedly in her fingers. The look of concentration on her face was, for lack of a better word, adorable.

It was all still very strange, when I stopped and thought about it. I had spent so long thinking so little of Paige that it was odd to see her in this new light. My entire perspective of her had been shredded away and replaced with a nagging curiosity. I had never once imagined she could possess such kindness or warmth. Thinking back on all of the hateful words that we had exchanged over the years made me feel even stranger. It was like remembering two entirely different people. But then again, maybe we were two entirely different people.

Paige glanced over, smiling when she noticed that I was awake. "Good morning."

"What time is it?" I yawned.

"Lunch time." She answered. Keeping her place with a handmade bookmark, she closed the book and set it on the coffee table. For unknown reasons, the way in which she delicately handled her book captivated me. The thing was weathered and old, but she held it gently, as if it were brand new and she didn't want to hurt it.

We ordered pizza, Paige refusing to let me pay for any of it, and enjoyed a nice lunch outside on the dock. It wasn't as cold out with the sun warming up the lake, so I dipped in my feet while I ate. We talked for a long time. We discussed our childhoods, movies, music, our differing political views, dreams of the future, spiritual beliefs, animals, school. The conversations rolled on for the entire afternoon. We shared funny stories like the time that I raced Spencer to see who could climb a tree faster and I lost my grip and fell right on top of Hanna, and like the time she tried to take dance classes as a young girl but was so terrible that the instructor kicked her out.

Taking my place on the couch again, bundling myself up in the blanket and turning so that I was facing her, I asked a question that I had been fiddling with for a while. "What about your first kiss?"

She took a sip from her water. "Oh, um…it was just this kid in my third grade class. Nothing special. He kicked dirt in my face afterward."

"What an asshole." I laughed with her.

"Yeah, he was. Hopefully yours was better."

I took a bite of leftover pizza crust. "Sophomore year, Ben Coogan."

"Speaking of assholes." Paige laughed but I didn't join in. She paused. "Didn't you date him?"

"Yeah." I answered, staring at the pizza crust. I just couldn't find it in me to look her in the eyes. "I was deep in the closet back then. I used him to cover up how I felt…about Ali, and about girls in general. I was so afraid of people finding out about me being gay…that I let him do a lot of things that I shouldn't have. We never had sex, but I let him tell people that we did. I never wanted to do anything more than kiss, which made him angry. There was this one time that he actually tried to force me, but Toby Cavanaugh just happened to show up at the right time and scared him off. Ali never liked Ben. She always said that I should break up with him and find real happiness. I think that's why I was so convinced that she liked me back. It took me a long time to realize that she was just looking out for me as a friend."

"Was Alison always nice to you?" Paige asked quietly.

"For the most part. The only time she ever got angry with me was when I kissed her in the library. She would tease me about liking girls, but always in a subtle way that no one knew that's what she was doing. It felt more like an inside joke, I guess."

"Was she the first person you told?"

"No. I mean, I never told her. She just knew. That's how close we were. She knew everything about me, even the things that I never said out loud."

"What ever happened between you and Ben Coogan?"

"I broke up with him after the assault. I had already started getting to know Maya by then, so I didn't feel like I needed him as a cover anymore. Maya really helped me come to terms with who I am."

"I remember you two holding hands and kissing in the halls." Paige said. "You always looked happy together."

"We were." I answered. "Until Ali's body was found. That's when everything fell apart. I didn't know what to do, so I started drinking. A lot. I almost failed junior year. Maya tried to help me, but I wouldn't let her. Then she got sent to Juvie, and I haven't seen her since. I found her blog not too long ago. She's out of Juvie, seems happy. She's dating some guy she met."

"Do you miss her?"

"I used to." I took another bite of pizza crust. "But I think what really messed me up for a while is that I never missed Maya like the way I missed Ali."

"What do you mean?"

I chose my words carefully. "I loved Maya. I did. She was an amazing person; she helped me through a lot of hard times. She was the perfect first girlfriend. She never hurt me, not once. I did all of the hurting. I jumped into the relationship before I was ready. It just wasn't a good time. I was using Maya to get over Ali. It ruined us. It made things worse, because not only was I devastated about Ali…but I was hurting Maya and I knew that I was. It hurt when she left Rosewood, but it was for the best."

"I'm sorry." She said. "I never knew you were going through all of that. I'm sure I only made things worse."

I grinned. "You were actually a nice distraction."

"How?"

"You're an amazing swimmer, Paige. Trying to beat you gave me something to focus on. I thought about quitting swimming there for a while, but I couldn't let you just win that easy."

She was quiet for a few moments. "All I ever wanted to be was you."

I didn't know what to say.

She took a deep breath. "You were always the golden girl, you know? Fastest in the pool, beloved by everyone, a member of Alison DiLaurentis's clique…and then you came out, and no one seemed to care. No one gave you shit for holding your girlfriend's hand or for kissing her goodbye in the hallway. Everyone we go to school with  _loves_  you. It ate away at me, you know? Seeing you have everything I wanted. Seeing Alison be nice to you, seeing the team shower you with admiration…seeing people treat you with respect even though you were different than they were." She paused, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. "I know that's no excuse for being so rude to you, and I know I've said a lot of mean things that I can't take back…but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything."

"Thank you." I said, watching her hold back tears. "For apologizing, I mean."

"I'm glad we're friends now." She looked at me hesitantly. "We are friends, right?"

"Without a doubt." I answered with a smile. And it was true. I had never imagined the day would come, but it was true.

We talked for a little while after that, but soon it was time to leave. I drove her home and wished her good luck in dealing with her strict parents. She thanked me for a fun time. When I arrived home, my mother asked me why I didn't go to school and I told her that a friend really needed my company and after an earful about grades and college and my future, it was all behind us. She was back to discussing celebrity haircuts by dinner. I went upstairs, ignored my homework, and spent the rest of the night texting Paige. Her parents had been upset about her skipping school, but they let her off with a warning considering that it was her first offense. The next morning at school, I copied Aria's answers for English and I copied Hanna's half completed assignment for Chemistry and I let Spencer fill out my Calculus worksheet. They asked what I had done the day before and I told them most of what had happened.

"Paige picked me up from a friend's house. I was too out of it to drive. She took me to her dad's cabin by the lake and we hung out for the day. She's actually really nice, once you get to know her. She's funny."

Hanna groaned. "What, are you hot for Paige McCullers now or something?"

"No." I shrugged. "We're just friends."

"See, what did I tell you." Spencer jumped at the opportunity to prove herself. "She's tired of the rivalry, isn't she?"

"Yeah." I allowed. "And she actually had some interesting things to say about Ali."

"I bet she did." Hanna said. "Ali  _hated_  her. She called her Pigskin."

"Ali bullied her. Relentlessly. For no good reason." I replied bluntly. All eyes were on me. "The only reason Paige was mean to me is because she thought I was guilty by association. And, Hanna, she mentioned that back when Ali first started picking on her was around the same time that you started hanging out with all of us. She said you stood up for her once and told Ali not to be so mean to her."

All eyes turned to Hanna, who stared dumbly back at us. "Yeah, what about it?"

"She said you only stood up for her that one time. I just wanted to know why only once." I said. "And I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I'm just making sure I have the whole story."

Hanna put down her phone. "Listen, we all knew what Ali was like. She was cool, and popular, and she was  _Alison_. Back then, I just wanted her to like me. I wanted to be in a part of the in-crowd with you guys. Ali used to tease me when I was overweight, but one day she decided to be nice me and started inviting me places. Whenever she would pick on other kids…yeah, I felt bad.  _We all did_. Ali could be a major bitch most of the time. I tried one time telling Ali not to pick on someone, and she took me to the side and said that if I ever did something like that again she would  _ruin_  me. I'm not proud of what I stood by and let Ali get away with, okay? When it comes to Ali, we're all guilty by association."

Spencer nodded her head. "Hanna's right. We all saw Ali do things that we should have stopped her from doing."

Aria leaned in closer. "We all remember the Jenna thing."

Hanna shrugged. "Ali did  _terrible_  things to a lot of people, including the four of us. Paige shouldn't get so upset about it."

"Yeah." Aria nodded. "Just because someone is a bitch doesn't mean that they  _bullied_  you."

" _What_?" Spencer looked at them in disbelief. "Ali  _was_  a bully. That's practically all she was. People were only nice to her because they  _feared_  her. She was manipulative and power-hungry. Sure, she could be funny and sweet when she wanted to be, but we all know she used to learn our secrets just so that she could blackmail us into doing what she wanted us to do. If that's not a bully, I don't know what is."

"You guys make her sound so evil." I commented. They stared at me, their eyes full of pity and concern for my oh so fragile heart. "But maybe she was."

They were quiet, unsure of what to do. I'd never talked about Ali in a negative way before. I had always been the first to defend her. The first to justify her cruelty. I wasn't just guilty by association, I  _was guilty_  by partaking in the crimes. I stood by and not only allowed Ali to reign but encouraged her through my seemingly undying devotion. Maybe Ali had used my affection as her own form of justification. If sweet, innocent Emily Fields could witness what she was doing and still love her, then what she was doing must not have been all that horrible.

"I'm sorry, Em." Spencer said as the bell rang. "We know how you felt about her. And, if it's any consolation…you were always her favorite. She was probably nicer to you than she was to anyone one else in the world. She did love you, Em. Maybe not the way you wanted, but in her own way."

The conversation didn't last much longer. We parted ways with our friendly goodbyes and I went to class where my thoughts were consumed of Ali.

I didn't see Paige again until that afternoon at swim practice. She had already changed into her swimsuit when I entered the locker room. She passed me with a polite smile but no greeting. I guess we were still working out the whole friendship in public thing. Coach put us up against each other in a friendly race. She won. I wasn't surprised that she won. I hadn't beaten her since before I'd started drinking and partying on the regular. My training was slacking, my speed was a disgrace. Coach told me so, but I already knew.

In the locker room, Paige was first in and out like always, but when I exited the building, she was waiting for me in the parking lot with her bike.

"Nice race." She lied.

"It was a close one." I lied.

"Can I be really honest with you?" She asked.

"Hit me."

"You swam like shit."

"I know."

"It was sad."

"I know."

"Like…really sad."

"I know."

"And you're okay with that?"

"No." I sighed.

She checked the time on her watch. "Do you have any plans for tonight?"

We went our separate ways, changed into proper clothes, and met up at a park equidistant from our homes. I used to go jogging regularly. I loved it. I enjoyed seeing the town and finding shortcuts and being outside. I'm not sure when exactly, but there was a point when I just…stopped doing it. When Paige suggested we go jogging, I was glad. I'd been meaning to pick it back up for a long time.

We jogged all over, talking as we went. We even stopped by her home to use her dad's personal gym equipment. We had to brush a thick layer of dust off of everything before it could be used. Her parents weren't home, thankfully. They were at a fundraiser event in Philadelphia and wouldn't be back until late. The house itself was enormous. It was easily three times the size of my own. There was even a heated pool in the backyard. I showered in the guest bedroom's connected bathroom. There wasn't a speck of dirt anywhere. It was so clean that I worried I would dirty it up just by walking in. Paige made dinner for us, which I thought was very sweet of her. We chatted for most of the evening, agreeing that I needed to get my speed back in the water if I had any hopes at getting scholarships. She offered to help train me, which I thought was very kind of her. We went upstairs to her room and I looked at all of her trophies and ribbons and certificates and I asked her if her parents made her do all of these sports and competitions and she said no and that they made her  _win_  all of them. When it was time for me to leave, Paige drove me home in her mother's car. I asked why she didn't have a car of her own, and she told me that she preferred riding her bike to driving a car. When I asked why, she smiled and glanced at me and said "because you never know who you're going to run into", which I thought was very flirtatious of her.

I wanted to ask about her sexuality, but I didn't. I knew that she wasn't ready for that, nor was it the right time in our budding friendship for such a question. I wasn't sure if Paige liked girls, or if she liked me in that way, or if she was just being friendly, but that was okay. She was my friend, and I was her friend. And that was all that mattered.

When I went up to my room, I sat down and did every last bit of homework that I could. Not only did I make-up things that I had previously neglected to do, but I went ahead and started work that would be due at the end of the year. Throughout all of my efforts, I thought about how I'd let my life slip into chaos and how much work it was going to take to pull everything back into order. I decided that I wouldn't let Ali control me any longer. Ali was the one in the grave, not me. I had a life to prepare for. I had a future. I wasn't about to let Ali drag me into the dirt with her. Not without a fight.

I woke early and went for a run. My mom had breakfast made for us when I arrived back home. Since I was on a roll, I figured now was as good a time as any to tell her the truth.

"Mom." I sat down my fork and stared at my empty plate. "I need to tell you something."

"Like what, honey?" She asked, peering at the morning newspaper through her reading glasses.

With a deep breath, I dropped the bomb. "I'm gay."

There was no explosion. No screams of terror, no tears of despair. She simply put down the paper and removed her glasses and folded her hands on the table and said, "I know."

"You know?"

"I know."

"How?"

"Your father told me."

" _What_?" I wanted to feel betrayed that my father had gone behind my back and told her, but I knew that I had put him in an unfair position in the first place by asking him to lie for me. "When?"

"Shortly after you told him." She pursed her lips. "I didn't want to say anything. I figured you'd eventually tell me yourself." She looked away. "When you never did…I started to think maybe you'd changed your mind about it."

"It's not something you can change your mind about."

"Emily…" She looked at me with sad eyes. "…you're my only child. I will love you unconditionally. I may not… _understand_  this. But I've given it a lot of thought, and I just want you to be happy. That's what really counts. As long as you are happy, I will be happy. That's all a mother can ask of her child."

"I love you too." I stood and pulled her out of her chair for a hug. "I know this isn't easy for you."

"It most certainly is not." She agreed. "But nothing in the world will stop you from being my little girl."

When I told my friends at school that I had come out to my mom, they were happy for me. It was strange, though. The need to tell my friends was nowhere near as great as my desire to tell Paige. I found her in the halls by chance, taking her to the side and relaying the news.

"That's great." Paige nervously watched passersby. "I'm glad she took it well."

"Yeah. It went better than expected." I checked behind me to see if she was looking at anyone in particular. "So are we still on for tonight?"

Her eyes grew wide. She was afraid someone would overhear us, I assumed. Afraid someone would think she was gay by association. "Oh, um, yeah. Jogging after school, yes."

Her anxious glances around us started to make me feel uncomfortable. "Okay. See you then."

"Yeah, see you." She quickly walked away, having not once made eye contact with me during our brief conversation.

I went on a run with Paige every day after school for the following two weeks. We grew to know each other really well in that time. She pushed me to my limits, determined to get me back into shape. I was grateful for her help, and for her friendship. But I couldn't help but feel sad that she never wanted to associate with me at school. In the halls, she all but ignored me. In the locker room, her eyes never fell on me. I was her off-hours friend only.

When I invited Paige to an upcoming party, she begged me not to go. She said that drinking and partying would not help my training or my chances at getting scholarships. When that argument didn't work, she said that my habits of wandering around streets alone at night was dangerous. When that didn't work, she said I could find other ways to not think about Alison. When that angered me, she said I could do whatever the hell I wanted to but not to call her for help when all the fun and games were over. I promised that I would never call her for help again, and we parted ways so furious at each other that I was positive our friendship was over.

Six shots and one bong hit later, I was floating through a sea of rowdy teenagers in Noel Kahn's cabin. The outdoorsy atmosphere, and the lake, made me wish I was with Paige at her dad's cabin instead. I would have preferred her company over this mass of stupidity, but I knew I couldn't call her. I couldn't ask anything else from her. I'd already taken too much.

I found myself outside by the lake, staring in the direction that I assumed Paige's dad's cabin was. I had told her where Noel Kahn's party would be, and I wondered if maybe she was at the cabin across the lake waiting for my call for help like Batman watching the night sky in anticipation for the inevitable bat signal. I grimaced at my own comparison, because I was no damsel in distress that needed rescuing. I didn't need anyone to save me, especially Paige McCullers.

Feeling the presence of someone else, I looked over my shoulder to see Hanna strolling down to the lake. She sat next to me, booze on her breathe.

"You good?" I questioned.

"I'm good." She responded.

"What are you thinking about?"

"What you said a few weeks ago." She lazily tossed a rock into the water. "About Ali bullying Paige."

"What about it?" I asked.

"It was true." She threw another rock. "Ali was…horrible to her. She was horrible to a lot of people, but in the beginning…Paige was one of the few people who fought back. Ali liked the challenge. She tormented her so much that eventually…Paige just stopped fighting back." Another rock into the water. "Em, can you tell her that I'm sorry?"

"Sorry for what?"

"For not doing more to stop Ali. I just stood there…and watched. I let Ali torture her because if I didn't…I'd be the one getting treated that way." She tossed a final rock before standing. "Just tell her I'm sorry."

"I will." I said, watching as she went back up to the party.

As if on cue, I received a text from Paige asking if I was okay. I texted back that I was fine, but that if she had the time there was something I needed to tell her. She messaged back saying she'd pick me up in a few minutes. I smiled.

I said goodbye to my friends and Paige picked me up in her mother's car and we went to her dad's cabin. She asked about the party and I told the truth. It was lame without her.

"I'm not much of a party person." She responded, taking her seat on the end of the couch. Rather than sit in my spot at the other end, I sat right next to her. At first, she seemed uncomfortable. But after noticing how I was swaying slightly, she relaxed.

"Being by the lake reminded me of you." I said.

She cleared her throat. "What did you want to tell me?"

It took me a moment to remember. "Hanna wanted me to tell you that she's sorry about not doing more to stop Ali from treating you so badly. She feels really awful about it."

"Oh." She paused. "Apology accepted."

"I'll let her know."

"Was that it?"

I looked at her. "Were you expecting something specific?"

She blushed. "Oh, um…no. I just thought that your text sounded urgent."

"Oh, my bad."

"You're drunk."

"Yeah." I drawled.

"I meant what I said, Emily." She placed her hand over mine on the couch. She hadn't initiated any kind of physical touch since that first night that she'd held me on the street corner. "All of the partying needs to stop. You're not doing yourself any good."

"It's not that easy."

"I'll help you."

"You don't understand what I'm dealing with."

"You're right." She nodded. "I don't know what it's like to have a best friend die. I don't know what it's like to lose someone I love."

"Exactly." I pulled my hand away from hers, regretting that decision immediately. "You don't know how I feel, so stop acting like you can fix me."

"Emily, you're not broken. You're just not dealing with your feelings. You keep trying to drown out the pain but that's not how it works. You need to deal with Alison's death."

"Stop." I muttered, putting my head in my hands. "Just stop."

"You need help."

"No, I don't."

"You do. If you keep all of this up, you're going to lose everything you've worked so hard for. What about college? What about swimming? You're going to end up killing yourself with all the reckless decisions you make. Is that what you want? Is that what all of this is about? Do you just wander the streets hoping someone will run you over? You're scared, Emily. I get that. You're afraid to deal with your pain, so you pretend it's not there…but you're not fooling anyone. Whatever it is that you're holding on to, you have to let it go. Alison is gone. You have to deal with that."

"Stop talking about her."

"I'm trying to help you."

"Stop talking about her." I repeated lowly.

She shook her head. "You have to deal with your feelings."

"Look who's talking." I muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked angrily.

I stood, pacing the floor as I ranted. "Paige…you can't just sit there and tell someone to deal with their issues. That's not how it works. There are some things that you can't just  _fucking_   _deal_   _with_. You should know that better than anyone. You're so far in the closet that you can't even so much as  _look_  at another girl without freaking out over how gay you are."

Her jaw dropped. She stared up at me with hurt and confusion in her eyes.

I felt terrible. "Paige…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

She shook her head, her mind racing for something to say. "I'm not…I don't—"

"You started this." I cut her off. "You want to bring out the dirty laundry? You want all of the dark secrets out in the open? Well, here we are. I'll admit it. Yes, I'm still caught up on Ali. I loved her more than anything. I knew she did mean things…but I never knew half of what she was doing. I only knew my friend. The girl who would skip a college party to help me study for a French exam. The girl who could hang out with anyone she wanted but picked me to spend time alone with. The girl who treated me better than any boy ever had. The girl who knew all of my secrets and never told anyone. The girl who laughed at my dumb jokes. The girl who cheered me on in the pool even when I was better than her. That was the Ali that I loved. That was the only Ali that I knew. When she went missing, people said it was for the best. Can you imagine that? Your best friend, the girl you love, goes missing and people are  _glad_. When her body was found, they said it wasn't surprising. That karma had finally caught up to her. That she  _deserved_  it. And now the truth is coming out. Not only was she a bitch, but she was a bully. She harassed people. She tortured them." I had to stop to wipe away my tears. "What would you do if the girl you loved died and no one cared? What would you do if the girl you loved turned out to be the worst person you ever knew? Ali was a good person…to me. I know that now, and it hurts. I loved a monster. I defended her cruelty like she was a saint, and I was too naïve to accept the truth. I know what I've done. I know, okay? That's what hurts. I know she's dead. I know she's not coming back. I know I'll never see her again and I'll never be able to ask her why she did such terrible things. I know all of that…and it's the knowing that's killing me."

I fell to my knees in tears. Paige was quick to my side, pulling me in to a comforting hug. I cried into her shoulder for a long time.

"I'm sorry." I whispered into her shirt. "I don't know why I said all of that."

She shushed me with a tight squeeze. "It's okay. It wasn't my place to bring it up."

"No, you were just being a friend."

She was quiet for a moment. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper. "How did you know?"

I stopped crying. The situation had shifted so drastically with her question that I was left not knowing what would be the right thing to say. "I…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"How?" She persisted as our embrace crumbled. We sat on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, staring at each other.

"I had a feeling." I answered. "But that's the truth, isn't it?"

Tears filled her eyes. "I don't want it to be."

"Listen, Paige, I know what you're going through. I've been there. It's not easy, but like you were just saying…you have to deal with it. Being gay is just a part of who you are. You can't change it, and honestly you shouldn't feel like you need to."

She looked at me. "It would just be one more thing that people would laugh at me over."

"No one will laugh at you. There are people who are going to be stupid, yes, and you can't avoid them…but as long as I'm around, no one is going to give you any shit. I will make sure of that."

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Anything."

"When did you know for sure? Was there a moment when you just…knew?"

I thought about it. "After I kissed Ali, I knew that I'd never want to kiss a boy again."

She nodded and I got us both back up on the couch and we sat and talked about things for a while. I told her about how I came out to my friends and how Maya had helped me stop feeling so ashamed about who I was. I told her how I was glad that she'd gotten me to actually talk about Ali because it was something I'd needed to do for a long time. She said she was scared to tell her parents about liking girls or even herself because saying it would make it real and that was the last thing she wanted. She said she didn't want me to tell anyone, not even my best friends, and I swore that I would keep her secret. She said she was glad that I knew, because she felt that she could trust me.

In the morning, Paige made breakfast and we ate on the dock by the lake like that afternoon when we had shared a pizza. It was already starting to get warmer. Pretty soon it would be summer, which meant that graduation was just around the corner. I went home feeling good. I did more school work and went on a long run by myself so that I could clear my head for a while. I needed the quiet. Not because of Alison, never again would I let her weigh me down. No, today's troubles came in a different form. I needed to stop thinking about Paige, and how I was slowly but surely starting to feel very strongly for her. I didn't need that. Not when we were both about to graduate and head off to different universities. Not when I needed to drop all distractions and focus on training and getting my grades up. Not when she was still starting to open the closet door. Not when I had just come to terms with letting Ali go. Not now. Developing feelings for Paige would not be a good thing. As I ran, I thought about my friends. My thoughts eventually drifted to Paige and the lake. I thought about the delicate way she held a book and the way she looked at her hands when she was nervous and the way her eyes had lingered on me after our late night swim and how wonderful her smile was and I knew that it was already too late.


	4. Pound The Prairie Pavement

With only three months left of school, I was in full panic mode. It was only a short matter of time before the end of the year events were upon us. Prom, yearbooks, graduation, the last day of high school ever. I had received letters from all of the universities I'd applied to. Somehow my top pick accepted me, something I had thought would never happen after my grades dropped junior year. But getting into college was only the beginning. Getting scholarships to pay for tuition was going to be the hard part.

Paige and I had been training hard together. We worked out seven days a week, for hours at a time. Every day she pushed me to my limits. I quit going to parties, I fought the urge to drink when Ali entered my thoughts, and I fought the urge to smoke out my struggles when things got difficult. I was determined to keep up my sobriety and get my life back in order. My improvement was already showing in the pool. Paige was still kicking my ass, but I was steadily catching up. Coach was thrilled, glad to see I had my edge again. Scouts would be coming soon to recruit for collegiate teams and she said that she had high hopes for me.

My friends noticed changes too. They said I was becoming more sociable, despite my sudden disinterest in partying. They also noticed how often I mentioned Paige, giving me knowing looks when I played it off as nothing. My friendship with Paige was important to me, I told them. Nothing more would come from it. When Hanna asked if Paige even liked girls, I told them that it wasn't any of our business. I said that even if she did, it wouldn't change anything anyway.

Working out daily with Paige was proving to be a challenge. I was physically exhausted, not to mention sore, and it was getting increasingly difficult to keep my eyes to myself. It was hard not to notice the way Paige's hips moved when she walked. It was hard not to stare when her muscular physique was sheened in sweat. It was hard not to linger when she gave me goodbye hugs. I think she noticed my growing affection for her, which in some ways made her smile at my fondness, but in other ways made her grow more distant. In the halls, she still avoided me. In the locker room, she still pretended I wasn't there. In front of my friends, she never approached. Our friendship did not exist inside of Rosewood High.

There was improvement on her part, however. She was more willing to discuss her sexuality, actually starting to refer to herself as gay. She talked about how her parents would never approve, how they would likely disown her. I told her that people can surprise you, and she said that stubbornness runs her family.

When Spring Break came, I was scared. It would be nothing but endless parties and social gatherings. Paige said that her parents would be gone for the weekend, in Philadelphia for couples retreat or something of that nature, so she invited me over to stay with her while they were gone. She wanted to keep an eye on me, keep me preoccupied with other things so that I wouldn't wind up at any parties. Rather flirtatiously, I asked what kind of things she planned on doing to keep me distracted. She blushed, smiled, and replied, "show up and find out".

I was at her door at exactly five o'clock. After our usual workout routine, I was already headed to the guest bathroom when she stopped me.

"How about a swim?"

I was sore and exhausted, but I didn't protest. Despite the fact that Paige could have changed into a bathing suit, and the fact that she could have lent me one of hers, we raced down to the heated pool and stripped away our sweaty gym clothes, jumping in with only our underwear on. The stars were out, as was the moon. It reminded me of that night on the lake, except for the comforting smell of chlorine, the warm water, and the look in Paige's eyes.

I splashed her, smirking at her gasp of surprise. "You're staring."

"I…I was not." She stammered, avoiding my eyes.

"It's okay." I answered, watching the reflected light dance across her reddening cheeks. "I don't mind."

She looked at me, a small smile on her lips. "I bet I can hold my breath longer than you can."

I grinned. "I bet you can't."

We waded over to the middle of the deep end, counting down in unison before plunging ourselves beneath the surface. There was nothing in the world better than floating under water. Feeling weightless, just existing in that peaceful quiet. It was even better at night. The glow from the pool lights danced across our skin, making us look like aquatic angels. With only darkness above us, it felt like we were in a different world. There was only water, only us. Everything else was out of mind. My heart started to pound and my lungs begged for oxygen, but I was determined to beat her. I focused on the way Paige's hair floated out around her, on the competitive glint in her eyes, on the strong muscles working to keep her in one place. Without warning, a ringing noise filled my ears and I felt queasy and my eyes slipped shut and the next thing I knew I was lurching forward and coughing up water. Gravity slammed my head back down hard on the solid ground. My body felt like it weighed three times as heavy. I was paralyzed under the feeling. My throat burned as air fought against the water forcibly spewing up from my lungs. I managed to peel open my eyes to see Paige's shaky hands hovering over my chest were she had been frantically performing CPR. She stared down at me with wide eyes, water dripping off of her like rain.

"Are you okay?" She asked, hands moving to cup my face. "Oh my god, you scared me! Don't ever do that to me again."

"Do what?" I coughed.

"You blacked out." She explained. "I had to pull you out. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do."

"You saved my life." I had to whisper, my throat burned from coughing so much. Without even thinking twice about it, I reached up and pulled her face down and I kissed the fucking hell out of that girl. When I pulled away, she stared at me with those big eyes and said nothing. I sighed. "Thank you."

She helped me to my feet. Standing there, soaking wet in our underwear, we both started laughing.

" _Fuck_ …" She laughed. "You almost  _died_."

"I almost  _died_." I shook my head, nearly doubling over with how hard I was laughing. I guess it was the adrenaline, or maybe shock, or maybe just the intensity of our mutual relief, but we laughed so hard that we cried.

"Here." She passed me a towel, wrapping her own around herself. "I'll get a fire started."

I took a shower in the guest bathroom, changing into the oversized shirt and shorts that I had brought to stay the night in. Paige was sitting in the guest bedroom when I got out. She said that she wanted be close by in case I passed out again. A part of me was embarrassed about the whole ordeal, but I was too busy thinking about the kiss we had shared to care about the passing out part. I sat by the fire while she took her shower upstairs. I looked at all of the family pictures sitting around and hanging on the walls. I especially liked the one by the stairs of Paige as a toddler. When she joined me downstairs, she didn't sit as far away from me as she could. She sat right next to me, which gave me butterflies.

"What?" She asked.

"Sorry about…you know, the whole kiss thing earlier. Sorry if it freaked you out."

She smiled. "It was unexpected…as was you losing consciousness."

"Guess I lost the bet." I shrugged.

"What do I get for winning?" She asked.

We were flirting, it was clear. I knew that. She knew that. There was a mutual understanding. And I knew that we shouldn't be doing it, but it was so much fun that I just couldn't resist.

"What do you want for winning?" I prompted.

She sensually looked me up and down, not hiding the act in the least. "Hmm, surprise me."

That was it. That was my cue. That was my moment. I moved forward and I pressed our lips together and she pulled me closer and I leaned her back on the couch and I straddled her hips and I grinded against her and she moaned into my mouth and I bit her bottom lip and I snapped out of my daydream to see her expectantly waiting for an answer.

"I'm not any good with surprises." I said lamely.

She looked a little disappointed that I hadn't made a move when the opportunity presented itself. I too was a little disappointed that I hadn't. But I knew that sort of thing couldn't happen again. Kissing Paige was a mistake. Graduation was nearing and soon we would hundreds of miles apart. Protecting our friendship was much more important than exploring romantic possibilities.

We sat by the fire and talked for most of the night. When it got late, she invited me up to her bedroom. I had assumed that I'd be sleeping in the guest room, I knew that was the safer option, but I followed her upstairs regardless. We turned the lights out, got into her bed, and stayed up talking for a little while longer before eventually drifting off to sleep.

I woke up covered in sweat and gasping for air. I shot straight up in bed, my heart racing and my mind reeling to catch up as reality set in. Paige sat up, her hands grabbing my shoulders and turning me to face her.

"It was just a dream!" She said it over and over and over until finally I could control my breathing again. It had felt like I was being crushed by the world. "You're safe." She squeezed my shoulders. "You're okay." She pulled me into a warm embrace. "I've got you."

I started crying. I couldn't stop the hot tears that fell from my eyes or the violent sobs that erupted from my already raw throat. I looked up at her, my voice no louder than a whisper. "I almost died."

She nodded slowly as tears filled her eyes. "You almost died."

"I could have died." I whispered the words as more sobs took hold me.

"It's okay." She swayed us gently back and forth in a calming motion. "You're okay."

"You saved my life." I wrapped my arms around her. "Paige, you  _saved my life_."

"I was so scared." She whispered. I could feel her tears falling softly on to the top of my head.

We sat like that for a long time. Just holding each other in the dark and letting ourselves feel all of the emotions that needed to be felt. When I woke up, we were still holding each other. Her arms were protectively wrapped around me, my back to her front. It felt so nice to be held that I didn't move for at least an hour. Eventually I had to get up and pee, effectively waking her up. She groaned and rolled over and the first thing she said was that for a graduation gift she was going to give me a pair of arm Floaties to swim with. As a response, I threw a pillow at her.

We talked at length about the mishap in the pool. We concluded that it was caused by all of the strenuous working out beforehand that had made me pass out when I had become deprived of oxygen. Regardless, there was still a lot of training that needed to be done. That afternoon was spent in the gym, sweating up a storm. After I showered in the guest bathroom, Paige was waiting in the bedroom again.

"You don't have to babysit me." I told her with a friendly smile, making sure that my towel was secure in its place wrapped around me. I searched through my bag, pulling out clean clothes.

She smiled back. "Sorry, I guess worrying about you is becoming a habit."

"Are you going to watch me get dressed too?" I laughed.

She hesitated, blushing as she held back what I assumed was a flirty remark. "I'll give you some privacy."

The moment she turned around I dropped the towel. The gentle thud had her stopped her in her tracks. Standing there, damp and naked, I stared at her back; just waiting to see what she was going to do. After a few long moments, she continued walking to the door, slipping out having never looked back at me. I put on my change of clothes and joined her in the kitchen for dinner. We didn't mention what had just happened, nor did we ever discuss holding each other through the night, nor did we bring up the kiss from by the pool. For the rest of the week, Paige and I continued our daily routine of working out together. On the following Saturday, the last weekend of Spring Break, I was called up and invited to a party by someone I hadn't seen in a long time.

" _Maya_?" Paige asked as we jogged. "The Maya you used to date? The same Maya who never once called you when she got out of Juvie?"

"She wants to catch up." I answered. "For old time's sake."

"What about her boyfriend?"

"They broke up, but that's not why she's here." I slowed down, stopping for a break.

"What's she even doing in Rosewood?"

"Came down to see old friends. The party is at Noel Kahn's place. You're welcome to come."

"I don't like parties." She answered.

I nodded. "I know. I'm just saying…you're invited."

"What do you think will happen?" She asked cautiously. "Between you and Maya, I mean."

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Do you think she'll try and get back together with you?"

"No idea."

"Would you do that? Get back with her?"

"I don't know." I had no intentions of pursuing Maya romantically again. That chapter of my life was over. I just wanted to see how Paige would react. "Is there any reason that I shouldn't?"

Paige stared at me. I think we both knew what I was really asking, and I think we both knew why I shouldn't have asked it. She shook her head and put on a polite smile. "Do whatever makes you happy."

We finished our run in silence, parting ways with only short goodbyes. Frustrated and disappointed with my conflicting feelings toward Paige, I decided to attend the party and use it as a distraction. When I texted Paige before leaving, I added a promise that I would stay sober the entire night. She didn't reply.

I carpooled with my friends to the party. They were excited that I was going to at least one Spring Break party, and they joked about how Maya and I would be hooking up before the night was over. We arrived fashionably late, greeted at the door by Maya herself. I socialized in group settings only. My red solo cup containing water that everyone assumed was vodka. I'd managed to get through an entire hour before the urge to drink really started to itch. It was so bad that I had to physically remove myself from the party atmosphere by finding the spot near the lake that I had occupied at the previous Noel Kahn party.

Like a twisted joke, Maya was there. Alone and halfway through a joint, she smiled up at me when I approached. "Hey, stranger."

When I sat down beside her, she offered me a hit but I politely declined.

"How have you been?" She asked.

"Good. Yeah, I've been good. Things are definitely getting better for me."

She smiled, placing a hand on my knee. "That's really great to hear, Em."

I nodded, wishing she hadn't initiated physical contact. Her touch only drudged up the past until I was buried under the weight of our previous relationship. I remember our first kiss, our last kiss, our first date, making out in the indie cinema, making out in the back of Hanna's car, making out in Spencer's bedroom while she was sleeping a few feet away, fooling around in my bed for the first time, getting high for the first time, saying "I love you" for the first time, feeling loved for the first time, crying into my pillow because I would never hold her hand again, arguing so much that we shouted at each other in the street, being naked in front of her for the first time, getting so drunk that I once moaned the name Alison against her lips. I remembered us making promises that we never kept, and making memories that we would never forget.

"What about you?" I asked.

"Definitely better." She nodded, blowing smoke in lazy patterns. "Hey, Em, listen, I know I should have tried reaching out to you when I got out of Juvie. I'm sorry that I didn't. I just kept putting it off for so long that by the time I finally felt ready, it was just too late, you know?"

I stared at the lake, refusing to look at her. "It was never too late."

"Em…" She sighed. "I'm sorry. That's all I can say."

"I'm sorry, too." I replied.

"For what?"

"Everything I put you through. You deserved so much better."

"You were going through a lot at the time."

"That was no excuse."

She smiled. "Well, then I accept your apology, and you can make it up to me."

Despite myself, I smiled. "And how would I do that?"

She grinned mischievously. "By telling me all of the juicy details on this new girl that you're seeing."

I turned to look at her so fast that I nearly snapped my neck. " _What_?"

"Yeah, tell me about this Paige girl."

"Who told you that I was  _seeing_  her?"

"Everyone." She laughed. "Especially your friends. They're very chatty when they're drunk. Right before I came down here, Hanna was telling me all about how if I was trying to get into your pants tonight then I'd better get in line because some chick named Paige has been all over you lately."

"We're not together." I said, thinking back to the kiss that Paige and I had shared. "I don't even know if she likes girls." I lied, thinking of all the times that Paige had dropped everything to hold me while I cried. "She's just a friend."

"Just a friend. Yeah,  _sure_." Maya gave me a look. "I can see right through you, Emily Fields. You don't fool me. You are head over heels in love with this girl, aren't you?"

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"It's the look in your eyes." She nodded as she talked, blowing out smoke into the clear night air. "It's the same look you would get whenever you talked about Alison."

I didn't know what to say, so I just sat there and watched as the smoke dissipated into the breeze.

Maya watched me carefully, smiling to herself. "Emily Fields…sober and in love. It's good to see you like this, Em. I mean that. I'm glad you're finding some happiness. You've been through a lot, you deserve it."

"I can't be with her." I said quietly. "After graduation, we're going to different schools. I just can't do that."

" _Emily Fields_." She snubbed out the joint and physically turned me so that I was facing her with my fullest attention. "If you don't go tell that girl that you love her right this second, I will personally hunt her down and tell her myself. If there is one thing that I have learned from months of institutionalized rehabilitation, it's that if you can find happiness in this world, you have to grab it while you can. You've got to hold on to it for as long as possible. You're strong enough now, you can do it. You just have to be brave enough to reach for it. Go get her, Emily.  _Be happy_. The only thing standing in your way…is you." Maya pulled me to my feet, pushing me toward the cabin. "There'll be plenty of time for us to catch up later. You've got something more important to do right now."

As if they had minds of their own, my feet started carrying me away. I turned back to her, not knowing what to say.

She smiled and waved goodbye, shouting after me, "Run! Love is waiting!"

I knew that Maya only said most of that because she was stoned and drunk, but I also knew that she meant it. That's just the kind of person that Maya was. Others always came first.

When I reached the road in front of Noel Kahn's cabin, I texted Paige asking where she was. I couldn't talk to her on the phone. No, this was too important. I needed to say this to her in person. When she finally messaged me back, she said she was her dad's cabin. I took off in a sprint. It felt like I ran harder than I'd ever run before. Nearly missing the cabin's dirt track driveway, I had to slightly backtrack before making it up to the front porch. It only took two knocks on the door before Paige pulled it open.

"Did you run here?" She asked in disbelief.

Without saying a word, I stepped inside and shut the door behind me and took a deep breath and turned to her and said, "Go to prom with me." My lack of thinking things through led to a last minute decision change. It wasn't the declaration of love that I had run over to make, but it would suffice for now.

She stared at me. "Go… _what_?"

We had talked about prom once, weeks ago. The discussion had mostly been about how Paige didn't know if she even wanted to go. The idea of putting on an expensive dress and heels didn't appeal to her, nor did she like the idea of seeing her parents' reaction to her wearing anything other than a dress and heels to prom.

"Um, yeah." I had to think on my feet. "You don't have to go, but if you do decide that you want to go…I was thinking maybe we could go together."

"As friends?" She asked.

I took a deep breath. "Well…I was kind of wondering…if maybe you'd like to go as more than just friends?"

She took a step away from me, her back hitting the wall behind her. "Emily…I-I can't do that."

"You could." I stepped closer. "If you wanted to. It's completely up to you."

Her eyes darted down to my lips, then back up to my eyes. "More than friends?"

"Yeah." I half-shrugged, trying to hide how nervous I was. "If you want to."

Paige's eyes dropped to the floor. She was quiet for a few minutes. "I've never even been on a real date before."

"What about that time Johnny Bernowitz took you to that middle school dance on his bike handlebars?"

She laughed, looking up at me sheepishly. "That doesn't count."

I bit my bottom lip, thinking back to Maya's advice. "Let me take you out then. Forget about prom for now."

She glanced at my lips again with a nervous and excited smile. "Okay."

I opened the cabin door. "After you."

Her face morphed into one of adorable confusion. "What,  _right now_?"

"The night is young, Paige McCullers." I gently nudged her out the door, grabbing the keys to her mom's car off the counter as I followed.

"Where are we going?" She asked as I tossed them to her.

"Anywhere."

She stopped. "If it's okay…could we maybe not go anywhere where people we know will be?"

At first I thought she had meant Noel Kahn's party, but then I realized that she meant all of Rosewood.

"Paige." I stopped, not sure if I should say anything. "I was talking to Maya at the party, and she said that everyone had told her that you and I were  _together_." She stared at me blankly, so I pressed on. "Everyone already thinks that we're dating. And, I don't know about you, but I haven't gotten any hate over that. I mean, I didn't even know about that until tonight. You don't have to worry about what people will think when they us near each other."

She nervously fidgeted with the keys in her hand. "How did things go with Maya?"

It wasn't what I expected her to ask, yet I wasn't surprised to hear it. "Good. There was some much needed closure. We mostly talked about you."

Her eyes grew wide. "Me?"

I nodded. "When she asked around about how I was doing, people told her I had a new girlfriend named Paige. She wanted to know about you; wanted to make sure I was happy."

She dug a small hole into the dirt with the tip of her shoe. "And what did you say to that?"

I smiled, getting her attention again. "I've never been happier."

Though I hadn't actually said those words to Maya, it didn't change the fact that they were true. Ali had never given me complete happiness, only enough to keep me coming back for more. And Maya, well she had done the best that she could for me at the time. But it was Paige that made me feel true happiness. There was no mystery with Paige, no games of deception. She was, admittedly, stubborn and insecure, but she was also kind and warmhearted. She wasn't perfect, like I had pretended Ali was, or like I had wanted Maya to be. She just Paige and that was what I loved.

She looked around us, at the dark trees and the stars and cabin porch light. "So…this whole time, despite everything…people still think we're dating?"

"That's what it sounded like." I answered with a shrug. "To me, honestly, it doesn't matter what they all think, especially now that graduation is only a couple months away. Our time in Rosewood is running out…it's up to you what you want to do, but if I were in your shoes…I wouldn't want to hide anymore."

She nodded. "It's my parents that I'm worried about."

I reached out my hand, feeling butterflies when she took the offer. "I know. But that's a battle for another day. Let's handle one milestone at a time. We've got a first date to go on, you know." She smiled, turning bright red when I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'm going to woo the shit out of you, Paige McCullers."

She laughed. "Oh, how romantic."

We drove to a small karaoke bar on the outskirts of town. It was far enough way that we wouldn't run into anyone from school. Most of the patrons inside looked to be exhausted truck drivers and members of recently started biker gangs who left their country clubs to pursue a simultaneous mid-life crisis and those ladies in the their early 30s who were looking for sugar daddies and that divorced mother of two grown children with the dolphin tramp stamp who talked like she'd been chain smoking since exiting the womb and that guy who looked like he just got back from Woodstock and that elderly war veteran with the crazy eyes and that dude who never married solely to spite his overbearing parents but regrets all of his life decisions and that off-duty highway patrolman whose facial hair belongs in a Western film and just the general outcasts of the town. So, of course, we felt right at home.

We shared a plate of nachos and some small talk, but it was when I came back from the grossly unhygienic restroom that things started getting exciting. Paige was up at the karaoke mic, half the bar staring at her expectantly as she pulled her long brunette hair back into a ponytail. She beckoned me to join her, which I refused to do. Somehow she managed to get the entire bar chanting for me to get up there with her, which was not as easy to back down from. When I stepped up to the second mic, I whispered to her that I would definitely be getting her back for this. She simply smiled and said, "Looking forward to it".

We did our song and laughed and had much more fun badly singing karaoke songs for Rosewood's outcasts than I would have thought that we would. After our performance, and our encore, was done, we received a standing ovation. Paige held my hand as we bowed, and I felt on top of the world.

It was getting late, so we headed back out to the car. We laughed and laughed on the drive back into the city, agreeing that we couldn't have had a better first date even if we had planned it.

When Paige pulled into my driveway to drop me off, I was the first to speak. "I had a really great time tonight."

"Yeah, me too." She nodded. "We should definitely do this again sometime."

Glancing at her lips, I leaned in. I made sure to go slow, giving her plenty of time to stop me. She closed her eyes in anticipation, so I sealed the gap and brought our lips together. The kiss was short and sweet, but it left me craving for much more.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I smiled, licking my lips absentmindedly.

Her eyes stared at my lips. "Yeah, tomorrow."

I leaned in and gave her another kiss, this one longer. I said my goodbye and hopped out of the car, waving to her as she backed out of the driveway. She stayed on the curbside until I had successfully unlocked the door and gotten myself safely inside. We smiled at each other just before she drove off. The farther she went, the more I wanted her to come back. I shut the front door and leaned back against it, sighing as I traced where her lips had touched mine. And that's how I knew Maya had been right. I was head over heels in love with Paige McCullers.


	5. If Being Strong's Your Kind

It was a Friday morning the week before prom when it happened. It took me by surprise, but I rolled with it so casually that you would've thought that it had happened a million times before. The looks of shock on my friends' faces as Paige McCullers strolled up to us in the hallway were priceless. When Paige's hand reached out and took hold of mine, their jaws dropped in unison.

"Hi." Paige greeted them, effectively ending their deer caught in headlights reaction. The girls recovered quickly, shrugging off their surprise and adding her to the conversation effortlessly. Just before the bell, Paige squeezed my hand and said goodbye to the group before making her way to class. My friends looked to me for an explanation.

"I thought you two were keeping things on the down low?" Aria questioned.

Hanna laughed. "Everyone already knows they've been banging each other. There's really no point in trying to hide it."

" _Hanna_." Spencer rolled her eyes.

I couldn't contain my smile, which in turn made the three of them smile. It had been a long time since they'd seen me genuinely happy. "We're taking things slow." I shut my locker door. "One step at a time."

Spencer nudged Hanna teasingly. "See, romance isn't dead. Not everyone passes out blowjobs in the McDonald's bathroom like they're free samples."

Hanna threw up her hands. "That happened one time."

"That happened twice." Aria cut in.

" _No_." Hanna flipped her hair. "The second time was at a Taco Bell."

We laughed and laughed as the second bell rang. It was the first time since before Ali's funeral that all four of us had been doubled over in laughter. I tried to take in every detail of how good I felt, and how wonderful it was to be laughing so hard with my best friends. With graduation looming over us, these were the times we needed to savor while we still could.

No one said anything at lunch when Paige joined us at our table. Instead, my friends went out of their way to make her feel comfortable. They asked her about college and swimming and if she was excited for prom. She told them she was very excited for prom, which was news to me. After school, when we were on our daily run, I asked her about it. She smiled and said that she'd been thinking about it a lot and that there was no one she'd rather go with than me and that her parents didn't have to know she was going with anyone specific. One step at a time.

The following Saturday was the last big swim meet of the year. This was what Paige and I had been training so hard for. Everyone would be there. My mom, her parents, my friends, college scouts, even half the school was buzzing about it. The event was being advertised around the halls as the "Final McCullers vs. Fields Showdown". Everyone wanted to know which of us would arise victorious. Our rivalry used to be a thing of high school legend, and now that the entire school was aware of our budding romance, it was only increasing in popularity.

I had been the young emerging star, unbeatable in the pool for two straight years. Paige rose to the top junior year, which most people agreed only happened due to my grief over Ali. And now, senior year, especially the past few months, I had started to make my come back. It was a thrilling tale; longtime rivals turned lovers competing against one another in order to secure recruitment spots on separate collegiate teams. Though we were going to different universities, we both needed the win. These elite teams only wanted the best.

In the locker room, Coach gave us a final heartwarming speech. Paige and I waited behind everyone else so that we could have a moment alone.

"Good luck." She said.

"Good luck." I smiled, pulling her in for a hug.

"Do you need any Floaties?" She joked.

I pushed her away playfully. "Keep talking shit, McCullers."

She smiled and gave me a kiss that nearly knocked me off my feet. We held hands until the moment we were out of the locker room door. We could not be friends in the pool this time. The scouts, with their clipboards and ties, watched us with eager eyes. My mother, sitting beside Mrs. Montgomery, waved at me with a proud smile. Aria, Spencer, and Hanna held up their handmade signs when I passed. Paige's parents, who I had only ever seen in pictures, stared at their phones.

Warm-ups were quick, as everyone was anxious to get started. We'd never seen such crowded bleachers before. There were even people standing on the walls because they couldn't find seats. Paige and I wouldn't face off until the last event, a scheduling change done to ensure that the crowd would stay throughout all of the events. As the morning rolled on, I won my event and Paige won hers. And then it was time. The crowd was alive in anticipation, Coach paced back and forth, Paige popped her knuckles, I took my starting position, and the next thing I knew we were all plunging into the water and pushing ourselves faster than we'd ever gone before. I kept myself focused; I pushed and I pushed and I felt like my limbs were going to break so I pushed even harder. I slapped the wall with such force that my hands throbbed with pain afterward. I threw off my goggles and I craned my neck to see the times. Coach was trying to talk to me but all I could hear was the cheering from the crowd. Looking to my side, I saw Paige staring at me with a small, proud smile.

I pulled myself out of the water, finally understanding what had happened as Coach shook my hand in congratulations. I had won. I had actually won. I turned, looking for Paige. She had just pulled herself out of the water, tossing her goggles to the side. Without a word, she pulled me into a big hug. The crowd went wild at our display of friendly sportsmanship. I patted her back, giving the extra effort to make our embrace look as platonic as possible. We escaped to the locker room, changing quickly and reemerging in the gym lobby to a sea of excited peers and parents. The college scouts congratulated us on an exciting match, three of them saying that they would definitely be in touch. My mother, Mrs. Montgomery, and my friends surrounded me, all of them trying to talk at once. The attention and praise was amazing, but I couldn't help but feel down when I noticed Paige standing off to the side keenly scanning the room for her parents. When the congratulations died down, I thanked everyone for coming out to support me and I pulled Paige over to us and said that I couldn't have done it if it hadn't been for her help. My mom gave me a knowing look, but I brushed it off as everyone else gave Paige the compliments that she deserved.

Out in the parking lot, Paige finally found her parents. They had been waiting in the car, angry that she had taken so long to get there because they wanted to beat the traffic. They never congratulated her on a good match, and they never said that she did the best that she could. As I watched them go, I remembered something that Paige had once told me: "my family doesn't do second place". Conflicted, I felt both guilty and relieved when I admired my first place trophy.

My crew of supporters went out to eat a celebratory meal afterward. I joined in on the fun, but Paige was always in the back of my mind. That night, my mom asked if Paige was "more than a friend kind of  _friend_ " and I told her that it was nothing official but yes and that we were even going to prom together. She reacted exactly the way I thought that she would by nodding her head quietly and switching the conversation over to something trivial and never giving her opinion on the matter. I tried to call Paige before I started studying for my upcoming final exams, but she didn't answer. I texted her before I went to bed, hoping to wake up to a reply that never came.

My mom and I went dress shopping, finding a relatively nice one on sale. It was the shoe shopping that took the longest. It was after dark when we got home, and I still hadn't heard back from Paige. I decided to drive by her house and see if she was there. Both of the cars were gone, but Paige's bike was there. When I knocked on the door, no one answered. I heard a familiar splash, knowing that whoever was home was in the pool. After much debating with myself, I creeped around to the backyard.

Paige was perched at the edge of the diving board. Her hair wet and dripping around her face. She was wearing her Rosewood High one-piece bathing suit. She glanced in my direction, giving a weak wave of acknowledgement. I walked closer to the pool as the night breeze picked up.

"You haven't been returning my calls." I said, feeling a strange mix of both welcome and unwelcome.

She nodded. "It's broken."

"What happened to it?"

"Well…" She put on a sad smile. "…I threw it at the wall so hard that it kind of shattered."

I kicked off my shoes and sat at the pool edge, dipping my feet in. "And why did you do that?"

She shrugged. "You know how I am when I get angry."

I found it difficult to meet her eyes. "Why were you angry?"

She gently kicked her feet back and forth, sending the water out in parallel waves. "My parents know. They overheard people talking in the stands yesterday. In the car ride home, my dad asked me why he heard some guy say that you and I were going to prom together. So I told them the truth. I said that you asked me to go as more than friends and I said yes. He nearly drove off of the road. It probably wasn't the best time to tell them."

"What happened when you got home?"

"A lot of angry yelling. A lot of crying, mostly from my mom. A lot of telling me that I was confused and making a mistake. A lot of the word 'disappointment'." She shook her head. "It's everything I knew that they would say. They already made appointments for  _family therapy_  sessions."

I didn't know what to do, so I said, "It could've gone worse."

"Yeah." She nodded. "I just wish they wouldn't act like it's something they can fix."

"You're not broken." I smiled, remembering a time when Paige had said those words to me.

"Exactly." She smiled.

We talked about her parents and how she felt about coming out to them for a long time before we switched subjects. I told her I had my prom dress picked out, and she said she'd already rented her tux. We discussed our plans, deciding that we would take part in the limo ride to dinner and prom with Spencer and Toby, Hanna and Caleb, and Aria and her platonic friend Holden.

The school week passed by quickly, most teachers opting for videos and free study periods rather than trying to get in any last minute information before exams. On the night of prom, everything went smoothly. Everyone met up at Hanna's house for the limo ride, getting all of our pictures done before heading off to a very nice dinner. The only comments made about Paige's tux were honest compliments, which made her glow with confidence. She got along better than expected with the boys. She talked about indie music with Toby, computer games with Caleb, and personal fitness with Holden. The four of them got along so well that they made plans to all hang out sometime before graduation. When we reached the school, the professional photographer captured a lot of good pictures. We got group and couple shots, Paige and I fearlessly embracing each other in each one. The night was fun, lots of chaperon-approved dancing and pretty decorations and decent music. When Paige and I needed a break, we found an empty table to occupy. We'd hadn't been sitting there for more than a few minutes when familiar face arrived.

Maya suavely strolled up to us and took a seat, her smile beaming under the colorful fluorescent lights. She turned to Paige, extending a hand. "You must be Paige. I'm Maya. I've heard a lot about you."

Paige shook her offered hand, humorously glancing my way to make sure that this was actually happening. "Hi."

"Oh, don't worry. I've only heard good things." Maya took a sip of her punch. "And I heard about that swim thing. Congrats, Em!"

"Oh, yeah, thanks." I answered, finding amusement in how Paige watched Maya like she was a frantic puppy who could poop on the carpet at any moment. "I only won because Paige helped me train."

"Then congrats to you both!" Maya raised her drink to clink against ours, despite the fact that we were using plastic cups.

"So who are you here with?" I asked. "Or are you just party crashing?"

She laughed. "Technically I'm here as Noel Kahn's date. He bribed me so that he wouldn't have to show up alone. We're having an after party at his family's cabin, you two should go!"

"I don't party." Paige answered politely.

"Totally cool." Maya nodded, standing up. "I've got to get back to the dance floor because this song is calling to me, but you're always welcome if you change your minds later. It was so nice seeing you again, Em. And I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, Paige. You guys look  _so good_. Oh my gosh, so cute." As she began walking away she stopped a random couple and pointed back toward us and said, "Look how cute they are!"

Paige blushed and turned to me. "Wow."

I smiled. "Maya's…a bit eccentric."

"No kidding." She laughed. " _Wow_."

Paige reached out and took my hand and stroked the back on it with her thumb, smiling at me and looking so beautiful and confident that all I could do was smile back at her. She pulled me back on to the dance floor, holding me close as a slow song began. I felt weightless in her arms, like I was floating underwater and all of my troubles and worries were above the surface. I wrapped my arms tight around her, never wanting this moment to end.

The dance ended shortly after Hanna and Caleb were crowned prom queen and king. Declining the limo ride to Noel Kahn's cabin with everyone else, Paige and I snuck off on our own. We ended up by the pool, where we realized it would be the last time we'd ever see it as Rosewood High students. Graduation was next weekend; all of the school days left were half days due to final exams. Our legacy in that pool was officially over.

"I'm going to miss racing against you." Paige said, taking my hand.

"Me too." I nodded. "We've got a lot of memories here."

"It's weird." She stared at the water, the pool lights gleaming off of her. "For as long as I can remember, I couldn't wait to get out of this place." She glanced to me. "But I think I'm really going to miss it."

I pulled her in for a quick kiss. "I know what you mean."

We kissed for a long time by the pool, eventually saying goodbye to the gymnasium and walking through the exit door for the final time as Rosewood Sharks. We caught a ride with some teammates who were heading to Noel Kahn's by the lake, where we walked to Paige's dad's cabin.

There was a romantic energy the moment we entered the cabin. Everything felt right, to be back where we had first really connected. As if we'd come full circle. I was more sober than I'd been in years, but when her lips touched mine and her hands grabbed my hips and pulled me close I felt as high as the clouds. Not wanting to ruin our nice clothes, we undressed separately and changed into the comfortable clothes that we had tactically stored at the cabin beforehand. It was odd changing into different clothes, because I had no intention of keeping them on for long.

We regrouped in the bedroom, where Paige was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me.

"I washed the sheets." She smiled softly. "They smelled like cigars and fish."

"Good thinking." I sat next to her, taking her hand in mine. "You know…we don't have to  _do_  anything if you don't want to."

She glanced down to my lips, a smile growing on her own. "You have no idea how much I want to."

My skin was on fire as she traced her fingers up my arm and to my neck, where she pulled me in for a kiss that took my breath away. There was a lot of passionate kissing, followed by the giggle-filled removal of shirts. I reminded her how beautiful she is, to which she blushed and leaned me back until she was straddling my waist. As she was trailing kisses down my jaw, neck, and collarbone, I tried to keep myself together. Paige moved at a leisurely pace, nearly teasing me. Her hands cupped my breasts and her hot mouth took in one of my nipples, her tongue swirling around it as her thumb attended to the other one. My back arched and a moan escaped my lips, reactions I had not meant to make. She smiled, her hips starting to move back and forth so that our pelvises were grinding against each other. My mind was beginning to cloud with lust, but for a moment I was able to appreciate how incredibly ironic the situation was. Paige McCullers, the biggest homophobe in the halls of Rosewood High, was trailing kisses down my stomach and pulling my sweatpants down and commenting on how cute my underwear was and replacing them with her tongue. She worked my clit like a pro, her tongue and lips sending waves of pleasure coursing through me. I tangled my hands in her hair and she smiled and flicked her tongue against me in just the right way to have me shaking and grinding against her and begging for release. She swapped her tongue for a quick thumb and kissed her way up to my mouth. She pressed her lips against mine, my body shaking beneath her as I clawed at her back for the release that I needed. She sped up her finger movements, kissing down my jaw to my ear where she whispered, "I love you". I came so hard that for a moment I thought I had passed out like that time in the pool. Her confession had caught me off guard, but as soon as I could I relayed it right back to her.

"I love you too." I panted, pulling her in for a long kiss. It took me a while to recover, but Paige didn't seem to mind. We held each other in the peaceful silence, both content with our exchange of words. The kisses returned, as did the movements and the sweat and the moans and the utterances of love and affection and soon Paige found herself at the mercy of my fingers to which she did not last long. We kept going, both so relieved to finally be emitting all of the tension we had built up. Our actions only ceased when our bodies were too weak to go on, which, as athletes who had spent the previous months training harder than we'd ever trained in our entire lives, was really saying something. We slept in each other's arms uninterrupted until late into the afternoon. We dressed and kissed and ended up undressing and having more fun before we actually ended up leaving the cabin.

Exams went by quickly. I had prepared well enough for all of them, which would leave me with fairly good grades for my senior year. I received calls from all three scouts who had said they would be in touch, including my top pick Danby. What I hadn't expected was the fourth call. Stanford University, who had previously denied my acceptance, was scrambling to find another top swimmer to recruit in the wake of losing one of their incoming freshman. A university representative was in Philly, and they wanted me and my mother to meet with him and discuss what could be done to get me into Stanford. We went to the meeting, excited but trying not to get my hopes up, and found a handful of scholarships for me to apply to and a few online summer courses to get my GPA up before admittance in the fall. And that was it. Just like that, I would be heading to California in a few short months. When I told Paige, she was thrilled. She had accepted her place at the University of Southern California months ago. We'd be close to six hours apart, but that was far better than if I had settled with Danby.

And then, before we could catch our breath, it was time. Graduation day. It looked like half of Rosewood was gathered in the gym, not a single folding chair left unattended. With our gowns and caps on, we felt on top of the world. There was a lot of posing for pictures and stopping to chat with people who would be leaving for summer programs soon before lining up behind the stage so that we could make our big entrance while Pomp and Circumstance played over the loud speakers. As the music began and we started shuffling out, a bittersweet feeling blossomed in my chest. This was it. It was really happening. This was the end and the beginning of everything. As I walked, I looked at all of the familiar faces in line with me. I'd never paid attention to half of them before, but suddenly I felt very sad that I would no longer be seeing them every day. I had to hold back tears when I saw Hanna dancing her way to her seat in the opposite line. I had spent so much time wishing I wasn't at Rosewood, so much time missing out on the wonderful people around me. I took my seat, turning around to see my mother vigorously waving to me from the back of the room. Standing next to her was my father, smiling proudly.

I reached directly behind me, taking Spencer's hand and squeezing it. She smiled. "Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." I laughed.

The ceremony began with a speech from the principal, then a speech from the vice principal, then a speech from the super intendant, then the only one that mattered: Spencer's Valedictorian speech.

She stood before us, confidently clearing her throat and adjusting the mic. "Good morning. My name is Spencer Hastings. I am honored to be Valedictorian, as I am honored to be a student of Rosewood High School. We've had a long four years, but here we are. Our moment has finally come, for this is time where we reflect on all of the hard work that it took to reach this point, and look forward to all of the possibilities of the future. Before the real fun begins, I would like to request a brief moment of silence in honor of our classmate who is not here with us today: Alison DiLaurentis." The room was so quiet that I could hear my own heartbeat. "I would like to thank you for your respect on behalf of Ali. She was a close friend of mine, as she was to many others. Ali wasn't perfect, but she was one of us. She is a part of the memories that we have made during our time as Rosewood Sharks. And I have to say, we've collected some  _pretty great_  stories. We all remember the pep rally where Mr. Fitz was pied in the face and danced to a terrible mash-up of Snoop Dogg and Taylor Swift. We all remember when a group of anonymous students pranked Vice Principal Hackett by filling his convertible with popcorn. We all remember when Mrs. Montgomery beat Ms. Welch at an impromptu rap battle during our final class assembly. We all remember when Mr. Sheldrake inspired us to achieve greatness, and when Mr. Lindall helped us find the right path to reach our goals. We will remember all of Rosewood's educators, counselors, and staff, as they have always encouraged us to be the best students that we could possibly be. Thanks to them, we are here today. And though we are heading in different directions, the important thing to remember is that we are all moving forward. Rosewood High has been our home; we are a Shark family; and we will look back on these years and be grateful for the wonderful times we were able to have with one another. So, to our mentors, I say thank you for investing your time and effort into molding the minds of those sitting before me today; we will not let you down. To our parents and families, I say thank you for loving and supporting us unconditionally; we will make you proud. And to my classmates, I say thank you for making my high school experience so often filled with laughter and joy; I will never forget you. Thank you."

The crowd erupted into thunderous applause as Spencer took her seat. I was holding back tears as I turned to her and said how wonderful her speech was. And then it was time, as Pomp and Circumstance began playing on loop, for us to line up and prepare to cross the stage. I would be the first of my friends go. The seconds dragged on agonizingly slow, but all too quickly my name was being read and my feet were moving across the stage and I was shaking hands with the principal and taking my diploma and smiling at the crowd and trying not to trip and then just as fast as it had happened, it was over. I was back in my seat, tassel crossed to the other side of my cap and diploma in hand. I was glad that it was over, relived that I could sit back and watch everyone else have their turn without worrying about myself.

First was Spencer. She would be headed off in just a few weeks to Yale University, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Ivy League was expected from a Hastings, and Spencer was not one to academically disappoint. It was likely that she would become a political figure of some sort, which would please both her parents and her ambitions. Next was Hanna, who gave a runway walk across the stage like she owned it. She would be attending the Savannah College of Art and Design to pursue a career in the fashion industry. Her grandmother had connections at SCAD, securing her a spot with one charismatic phone call. When it was Paige's turn, she nervously shuffled across the stage, giving only a brief smile to the audience. Her parents had tried out the group therapy session, and failed miserably. They decided as a family that a stranger wasn't going to help them get through their issues. They were taking things one step at a time, and hopefully would have things sorted out by the end of summer when Paige left for California. Finally, Aria crossed the stage. She would be attending the University of Washington for a degree in English with a focus on creative writing. She hoped to be a published author by the time she hit graduate school.

Once all students had accepted their diplomas and returned to their seats, we were pronounced graduates of Rosewood High School. Per tradition, we flung our caps high into the air, watching them rain down around us. For a brief moment I wondered what Ali would say if she were there, and I smiled because I knew exactly the kind of thing that Ali would say in a moment like this: "it's about fucking time". I found Paige in the chaos of moving gowns and I kissed her and I told her that I loved her.

"I love you, too." She smiled.

I was nearly giddy with excitement. "We're going to California."

"We're going to California." She nodded.

"I love you." I said again. "I really mean that, Paige. I wouldn't even be standing here right now if it weren't for you. You've saved my life…in more ways than one."

She smirked. "Speaking of which, your graduation present is out in the car. It's a pair of Floaties."

I pushed her away playfully, grabbing her hand and pulling her back. "How did I ever hate you?"

She shook her head. "How did I ever not love you?"

We hugged, the sea of gowns and caps and teachers and faculty and parents and lost elderly family members moving around us as we stood in the thick of it all. I held her close, breathing in her familiar scent and trying to notice every little detail about that moment so that I would never forget a single thing about it. With a diploma in one hand and Paige's hand in the other, we made our way through the crowd to find our families. Introductions were long overdue. I was nervous to meet her parents, as she was to meet mine, but it would all be okay. It didn't matter what her parents thought of me, I wouldn't be in Rosewood for much longer anyway. It didn't matter how passive-aggressive my mom was, Paige would only be around for the summer. And though I felt sad for all of the things that I was leaving behind, and all of the people that I would no longer see, I mostly just felt happy. Because it was going to be okay. Everything was going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me if you'd like: puntrest.tumblr.com


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